Politics - World Events - Anything Goes

This is a weird town. Despite everything good that's going on now - VW, amazon.com, Wacker, etc. - that makes it look like we're progressive, there's still the "good ole boy" network. With a weird exception. The original "good ole boy" network was just that. Hardworking, "red-necked" country boys who respected men of the same character. They looked out for each other. When a new guy came to town, they gave him the benefit of the doubt... helped him out any way they could... told him where to buy what... and introduced him to the folks at church. That's how the South grew. "Carpetbagger" was a term of respect...

...Time passed. Generations passed. In some cases, the heirs built the businesses up. In other cases, they sold them off and did other things... or retired. Sometimes the business owners took a "farming" approach... tilling and fertilizing the soil... and sustaining the cash flow. And... sometimes... the business owners took what I'll call the "cactus cowboy" approach. Their businesses, like cacti, didn't need much fertilizing. They could be left alone for months or years and do just fine. All they had to do was sign the checks. Or have someone sign the checks. This allowed the business owners to play cowboy or playboy or both. Sadly, Chattanooga has a fairly significant number of these trust fund wastrels. They go drinking and drugging and whoring on a weekly, if not daily, basis. They smile their way though life as members of the lucky sperm club. People envy them. They shouldn't. It is a sad existence. I've been on its fringes...

...Some business owners aren't content to be cactus cowboys. They want to be gangsters. In some cases, that is literal. In others, they just liked the story of Al Capone (or Tupac) so much that they wanted to play dress-up. They are thieves and con men...

...There is a thin line between a good salesman and a con man. I know because I have straddled that line now and then. Temptation rears its ugly head in all of our lives. But I am a competitive person. I want to win, but I want to win fair and square. I played every sport that I'm aware of. I was and am a child of military culture. I sampled every form of martial arts and learned to shoot pistols, rifles, and shotguns. I was and am a proud Boy Scout. I swam across the Bosporos at the age of 15  with my good friends Bart Childers and assistant scoutmaster Mike Edwardy. (I still have the backpack Mike gave me. His old one. Of course I do.) I have been in and out of the media since I was in second grade... and wrote a story about giant spiders for "2C's secrets." I was lucky enough to be a sports writer at the Chattanooga Times from my sophomore year of college through 1985. I covered Reggie White, Jimmy Braddock and Roscoe Tanner. Roscoe got me a free pass to Wimbledon in 1980. I heard U2 for the first time on that trip and met them in 1985. I was lucky enough to run into Tracy Knauss, the serial entrepreneur who organized the international hang gliding publication that spawned a worldwide microlight competition atop Lookout Mountain. TK, Wes Spencer, Buzz Chalmers and myself were partners in Chattanooga Life & Leisure. We were lucky enough to last five years before the economy kicked us in our collective testicles. Tracy recently lost his amazing mother, Hallie Jean. There was no finer lady in this town... though she never attended a Cotton Ball...

...I have been lucky and I have been blessed. I come from a good family. I have great friends. My God smiles down on me every day... and puts the right people in  my path. I have known every Chattanooga mayor since (and including) Gene Roberts. I find them, for the most part to be men of honor. Gene was and is a class act. His daughter, Amelia, calls her dad "Superman." All-time U of Chattanooga rushing leader. FBI agent. Police commissioner of first the city and then the state. He helped me get a job as PR guy for the Electric Transit Vehicle Institute, where I stayed until the guy who replaced the guy who hired me (John Capell, a former airline pilot) was replaced by a guy who wanted his wife to have my job. The Ryder ATE contract with CARTA is an interesting piece of legal work. Several, if not all, of the key execs at CARTA were double- and triple-dipping. There were some interesting investors in the bus company they built here to supply the vehicles you now see rolling from the Choo-Choo (where I worked in college) to the Aquarium (which I explored while working for the late, great Scott Sullivan's ad agency). I am a Chattanoogan by choice. My ancestors helped build this town. Colonel William Clift was the first millionaire in Hamilton County. My second (or third?) cousin Ralph McGill won a Pulitzer for the AJC. I have a signed copy of his book. Montgomery Clift earned some recognition as an actor, despite staying in the closet...

...So it's time to come clean. I worked for Excalibur Integrated Systems. It was a great job. Rodger Jenkins gave me a huge opportunity. I made us both some money. I sold the second generation of wireless to the UT system... a bunch of scanners to TVA... and some cool gear to the Coast Guard. But Rodger is a convicted felon and you know what they say. A leopard can't change its spots. Jenkins had superior technology. He didn't need to rig bids to win. But he wanted to have an ace up his sleeve. His pals in city government made sure the bids were written to favor his technology. But that wasn't enough.

They hired contractors to write up the RFP for the wireless mesh project that the EIS CTO and I designed with some help from Motorola. Then they put one of those contractors on the committee that evaluated the RFP. He emailed us to let us know we had won it... well before the bid winner was officially announced. He was later named a project manager for the mesh implementation... despite the fact that he was taking his first-ever project management class through Covenant's Quest program. That doesn't pass the smell test... or the close inspection of the Feds...

...I am a Chattanoogan by choice. This is my town. I love it here. My dad lives here. My kids live here. Those con men can't run me out of town. There is a Democrat in the White House. He got to pick his own attorney general.  They overlooked that fact when they hoodwinked the City Council. Bad move. Bob Corker, Lamar Alexander and Bill Haslam are men of honor... and fraternity brothers of mine. They won't protect these wanna-be gangsters when the feces splatters into the reciprocating air movers. Some trains are about to jump the track. But it's time to run the shadiest of the local carpetbaggers out of town...

-- Mark Northern

“How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are”?

 - Satchel Paige

 How old would I be if I didn’t know how old I am?

This is a good question as I sit here and write a day before my birthday.

I am not 4, my son turned four today, Valentine’s Day and I am much taller than he is.

I would not be 6, my little girl is six and while she is very bright she plays with dolls that don’t require inflating.

I am over 13, my oldest just turned 13 and while we both enjoy the locker room humor of Middle School, the Middle School SRO looks at me like I might be a stalker.

Now I love hanging with the Moc’s Maniacs in the student section at UTC games but I am pretty sure I am not in college, they all look smarter than me. So I must be older than 22 for sure.

Most the guys I play ball with and against are 20 to 30 so maybe I am getting in the neighborhood but they all call me old man so unless I am prematurely aging, I must be older than they are.

My wife is 32 and since we connect and she is sweet and beautiful maybe I would be in this age range?

If I had money then I would add about 20 Sugar-Daddy years but since I don’t, maybe I could get a bonus deduction, it’s not the money.

Maybe she is the type that takes in strays?

Back to 32.

Mirror test, damn there is at least 10 extra, maybe 15? But I am fit and can run all day minus 10 so that’s 37.

So if I didn’t know how old I am about to be I would say 37.

Wait, just saw a prom picture, I am wearing the tux from My Cousin Vinny, add 10 more and the fact I remember My Cousin Vinny that’s plus 5 or 52.

I object your honor, that movie was from 1992 and that does not deserve a 5 year add on, ha, so I am back to 47.

Now I do have young kids, 4, 6, and 13 so that keeps you young and would lead me and others to believe I am at least 10 years younger than I am so back to 37.

Of course some of the teachers do think it is wonderful that my kid’s grandfather is as active in their lives as I am.

So how old would I think myself to be this birthday if I didn’t already know?

Young enough to try things that only young people would try. Old enough to know trying those things will keep me and others guessing just how old I truly am.

I am old enough to have met a million people and young

enough to want to meet a million more.

I am young enough to have a 4-year-old boy but old enough to have known to watch him fall asleep last night, his final night as my three-year-old son.  I am old enough to want be working my last job but young enough to be thinking about my next big project. I am young enough to make lots of new friends but old enough to know that nothing is more important than your oldest and best Friends.

I am old enough to remember Nirvana and young enough to like the Foo Fighters.

I am old enough to remember James Brown and young enough to have loved Bruno Mars at the Grammys.

I am old enough to know that life is short but young enough at heart to know that life is only worth living if you are living it all out.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

Bankers & Pols

Regular readers of this column (both of you) might remember my rant against bankers from last year. In case you missed it, I'll recap...

...I had been a happy First Tennessee customer for a long time. Never had any major problems that couldn't be resolved with a phone call or a visit to my branch. Then I got a notice in the mail. My account had been "hacked." As someone who has worked in the information technology marketspace for about 20 years, I was both disturbed and curious...

...This was my second experience with what turned out to be identity theft. My guess is that someone ran my First Tennessee credit/debit card through a magnetic stripe reader. The previous time... five or six years ago... it began with a call from American Express. They were calling to verify my personal information for the AMEX card I had applied for. But I hadn't applied for an AMEX card. I had a gold one from the software company I was working for, but that was it. The voice on the other end of the phone proceeded to rattle off my social security number. At that point, I knew I was in trouble. I had to contact all of the postmasters in the area... and do all of the other things that identity theft victims have to do. I eventually found out that there is another Mark Bedford from the Knoxville area. He is a convicted felon who is also listed in the sex offender registry. I started using my middle initial a lot after that...

...So I was really perturbed when First Tennessee told me that my account had been "compromised." The letter that came with a new card said that my account had been hacked by a "third party." And I think that's what happened. I'm pretty sure that someone with a magnetic stripe reader jacked my info off of the card and then went on a spending spree. First Tennessee was quick to deny any responsibility. And, technically, the bank didn't "steal" my information. They just allowed it to be kept on a mag stripe that they knew could be easily compromised. An analogy: First Tennessee didn't break into my house. They just left all of my doors open and then claimed it wasn't their fault that the thieves got in...

...So I switched to Northwest Georgia bank. A longtime friend and former client of mine manages one of their branches. I felt good about my decision... until the young banker who set up my account gave me the wrong routing numbers and an entire direct deposit paycheck vanished...

...Banks have very limited liability in these instances... for good reason. They write most of the legislation that "regulates" their industry. Just as Dubya let Enron write a lot of our energy policy and let his cronies in the oil business write the laws governing offshore drilling. The foxes are guarding the henhouse, as my Dad likes to say...

...Those of you who think the "Occupy" people are just dirty hippies in tents... are sadly uninformed. The investment banks have owned our Treasury department since Ronnie Reagan brought Donnie Regan in to run it. The rest is history. "Reaganomics" (which should have been called "Reganomics") put our country into unprecedented debt while protecting the very wealthy from the burden of taxation that challenges the rest of us. Sadly, none of the wealth that was created (tax-free, in some instances) "trickled down" to Joe Sixpack...

...Politicians don't run our country. The people who own our politicians run our country. And America's investment banks own more politicians than anyone. Sadly, this phenomenon is global. I leave you with two pieces of advice. 1. Keep an eye your bank. They aren't really looking out for your interests. There's a reason why Jesus threw the money-changers out of the temple. 2. Find out who owns your politicians. Those donor lists are in the public domain. And don't go cussing those Occupy folks until you do some homework. As Abe Lincoln once said: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." I wish we had a few more politicians as honest as Abe...

-- Mark Bedford

So, I’m on my way out of the animal shelter today, my business done for the time being, when I get a phone call that could have come on another day in a perfect world. Valentine’s Day, irony of ironies, is a great day to pummel one’s Ex with baseless crappy attitude and thinly veiled accusations, I suppose, but that doesn’t mean I ought to welcome any such egregious affront to my personal splenditude (my word) from any old nasty barracuda smack dab in the middle of menopause and a long checkout line at WalMart, the second worst place on earth. The crux of the problem?  She’d seen my Facebook post proclaiming some other woman to be – and I quote – “THE GREATEST WOMAN THAT EVER LIVED”.

A glowing accolade, to be sure and one that prompted a question from the nasty tempered lady on the phone. “So what did SHE do for you?????”  

TGWTEL, who’s never given me the slightest bit of grief, just so happens to be somebody I’ve known for forty five years  vs. less than half that time for the cranky old fish lady who walked out on me two and a half years ago because my boat was ugly and my motorcycles made me happy, which did just the opposite for her. Plus (and I almost forgot this part) I apparently am a miserable, contemptible scoundrel, prone to hide large-breasted cocktail waitresses behind the couch along with chainsaws and other fun toys, but who among us is truly without fault?

I tried to make up for it, I swear. Hell, three years ago to the day, I bought her a nice, shiny new pistol and a bottle of liquor (I have a death wish. This has been well-documented.) in order to express the depths of my admiration and devotion on our 18th Valentine’s Day but it was clearly too little, too late. The writing was on the wall, and what it said was “Craig is a nincompoop with an ugly boat. I can do better!”

Better, as in some electrician dude named “Pete”.

And there you have it…I was suddenly the odd man out in a classic upgrade move, made by a woman who’d rather watch Grey’s Anatomy than the stars over the lake from the bow of an old Chris Craft. And it goes without saying that only a crazy woman would rather watch some McDreamy guy on TV, curled up with some electrician named “Pete”, than This Guy skinny-dipping, but there you have it: Proof positive that I was lovin’ up to a Nut Job beyond compare.

The liquor was a smashing success, at least. Good thing I hadn’t bought any bullets or she probably would have shot a hole or nine in my boat. The Barracuda was never one to take half measures.

Rewind now, if you will, a quick forty-five years. A little red-haired girl who would grow up to become THE GREATEST WOMAN THAT EVER LIVED is sitting across the aisle from me in our first grade classroom, blissfully unimpressed with my existence. Little red construction paper hearts, crudely cut with safety scissors and adorned with sticky gold stars, paste and glitter are even more crudely autographed in shaky block letters and passed around indiscriminately to all nearby but only one really matters. Ah, the thrill of a first puppy love. Few things in later life would trump that feeling…very few indeed.

I was completely taken by this vision of loveliness with the bow in her hair but I’d bet my last nickel she never even noticed the extra glitter on the card marked “from craigf”. If she did, I never knew it.

She liked me well enough, I guess. We did our time on the swing set and seesaw at recess here and there and once, I remember going to her house where there was TV to watch and no shortage of cookies to be shared. This is as God intended for small children.  Come to think of it, it doesn’t sound half bad for a first date, now.

Puppy loves come and go, though, and time saw to it that there would be other romances, but there was always something special and enchanting about her. I think what happened is I figured out that she was too good for me right about the time that she did and that was that. Or maybe it was just a long summer vacation and my attention span couldn’t keep up, I don’t know, I just remember that my attention drifted. I’d be surprised if she remembers any of it.  We were certainly always on good terms, though at times a little distant…different crowds, and such. She grew up and married a great man after a bad first try and went on to live what I hope was a charmed life. It looks that way anyway, and that makes me happy.

I know I made a wreck of my own life and thought it always had to be that way but times change. I’m no longer saddled with the burden of being the Bad Guy all of the time and poor old “Pete” is probably doing a bang-up job of keeping the Barracuda happy. I’m sure he is and that’s why she called to give me a short ration of Hell for no reason on this particular day. Happy women do that to their forgettable Exes, I’m told.

I was informed last week that not all women are mean and that some of them are actually good people that don’t want to shoot holes in your boat and I’m starting to believe it. It’s possible, I am told, to even be their friends and I think I might have known that a long time ago.

 Close to half a century after I first made goo-goo eyes at the pretty little red-haired girl, she came along and proved to me that my first crush was based on something beyond the purely obvious fact that she’s gorgeous. In an act of unselfish kindness the likes of which I aspire to some day, THE GREATEST WOMAN THAT EVER LIVED has volunteered to adopt a rescue dog that I, and a host of other folks, simply could not. It was an act of tremendous generosity and pure “heart” and not the crappy red construction paper kind, smeared around the edges with that paste they have to tell you (me) not to eat and dipped in glitter to the point that Lady Gaga would holler “Tacky!”

It was the kindness of a woman that knew that the best cookie in the world was the one that you shared with the goofy looking kid from the other side of the see-saw and I will never forget it.

Thank you, Bonnie.  I’d have sent you another one of those crummy Valentines, just like in first grade but we’ve both come a long way since then. The puppy love might be long gone but I can give you the love of a good puppy. I’ll even slap some glitter on her but that’s the best I can do. The paste is a different story.

I think the dog might have ate it.

 - C. Fentress

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day, Debra and Bonnie and one other (You know who you are).

P.P.S. WalMart still sucks.

Well... not really. For the first time in my memory (and perhaps ever?), I didn't even have one beer while watching the Super Bowl. A combination of my wacky blood sugar and some other health issues has prompted me to give up alcohol for the foreseeable future. It was... interesting...

...No one at the SB gathering I attended got anywhere close to "drunk," but I was the only person there drinking Powerade. Esteban, my "brother from another mother," invited me to a small get-together in North Chatt... hosted by one of his longtime buddies and his housemate. Nice crib. It is allegedly the second oldest house in NC. Very well restored. Roger and Tonka were the hosts. Also in attendance were Paulie, Juan, and Terri. Pat and his wife, MJ, arrived at the half.. doubling our female contingent and giving us one New England fan (Pat... of course). As usual, all names -- except those of "public figures" -- are modified to protect the innocent... and the guilty... and keep me from being sued. Tonka made three varieties of wings -- some with barbecue sauce, some with a more traditional wing sauce and some that had been marinated in an amazing apple vinegar concoction. I liked them all, but the latter were my favorite. Roger whipped up a couple of batches of the best hummus I have ever eaten. I don't want to violate his intellectual property rights, but some of the ingredients were: garlic, pesto and sun-dried tomatoes...

...As for the game itself... wow... what a great finish. I was glad to see the Giants win... and not just because Eli Manning is Peyton's little brother and I have a lot of respect for the whole family. When Katrina hit New Orleans, the Crescent City kids didn't go looking for headlines. They just chartered a plane and started shipping stuff down to their hometown. Classy. If New England had won, we'd still be talking about that blown pass interference call. (Terri and I were the most vocal in protesting it.) I'm also just tired of Bill Belichick and his ratty sweatshirt...

...All sports fans hope for a tight game... with their team winning, of course. Super Bowl XLVI delivered. We all remembered (all too well) the Titans' loss to the Rams by about six inches. It still hurts. The Titans are the only AFC team I've ever pulled for. I'm a recovering Cowboys fan and I always pull for the elder conference in the SB... unless our home staters are in it. When the Giants beat the Pats in SBXLII, David Tyree made the all-time highlight reel catch. Last Sunday night, it was Mario Manningham. NY was trailing, 17-15, at the 3:46 mark in the fourth quarter. On the first play of what turned out to be the game-winning drive, Eli dropped a perfect ball right into Manningham's hands for a 38-yard game. The game was as good as over after that, despite some near-heroics from Pats' quarterback Tom Brady... who could console himself with the fact that he had Gisele waiting at home..

...The halftime show was... okay. Madonna (as someone pointed out) looked like she was on Xanax. Maybe it was those ridiculous boots she had on, but I saw none of her usually amazing dance moves. She did a couple of weird jump squats and lip-synched pretty well. The dude on the tightrope was the highlight for me...

...As for the commercials... wow... what a mixed bunch. I can't believe some companies spend a gazillion bucks for a Super Bowl ad and come up with something truly... average. I liked the Elton John Pepsi spot more after he dropped through the floor and wound up with Flavor Flav. I always like the Careerbuilder chimps. And, of course, Adriana Lima's Teleflora ad was... aesthetically pleasing...

...All in all, it was a great game with great food provided by great folks. It doesn't really get much more "super" than that for

me. Thanks for the invite, Esteban..

-- Mark Bedford

“I’m just a hunka-hunka burning love”   ~ The King

I’m going to try and keep this short. It’s been a while now since I’ve felt the urge to see any of my feeble literary exercises staring back at me from the pages of this or any other publication but unto everything there is a season. It says so, right there in the bible that many of you might own. Just blow the dust off the sucker and look it up if you don’t believe me! Regardless, it’s time to speak up about something that’s been gnawing away at me and if you know what’s good for you, you might want to stop reading immediately.

Defiant, are you? Very well, then…here we go.

A few weeks ago, the gym that I have been dragging myself to on a regular basis hired a short, bespectacled, chunky little attendant that pushes a vacuum cleaner around constantly when not otherwise occupied with talking similar short, bespectacled chunky little women into signing on the dotted line for unlimited tanning and the chance at a body worth doing it to, given a little work. I’ve noticed that she actually is kind of cute if you look really hard from a certain angle and the light is just right and I’ve also noticed that she does a suspiciously large portion of her Electrolux-ing close by and to the rear of Yours Truly.  Yes, I’ve caught her staring at my withers, thanks to all those mirrors, and no, she’s not that cute. I don’t mind being objectified but I have some standards.

And the other night I hear her talking to one of the new signees on the treadmill to my rear and hear this:

Signee: What’s that machine that bald guy is using? And is he okay? He looks kind of…purple.

Electrolux Girl: The elliptical trainer? It’s kind of like cross-country skiing. Great cardio exercise and a good all -around full body workout. Most people stay on them for 20-30 minutes – some a little longer. But that guy..(long pause)..he’s just an animal! He doesn’t ever quit. I came in at 3:00 last Saturday and he was on it. Still there when I left at 6:30 to go eat. I think there’s something seriously wrong with that dude.  Cute butt, though…

*blush*

Look, some of you know me personally and others do not. But any of you that have read more than a handful of my columns know that I am an absolute train wreck of a human being.  I am bitter, surly, hostile and morose and that’s on a good day. I’ve chalked up more Go To Hell points than just about anyone you can point to and spent decades in a drunken stupor that claimed more victims than I can stand to think about at times. And even once I laid the bottle down and walked away from a life that had become a living hell, I never really was quite right. I just never fit in and most times it didn’t really concern me all that much, you know?  I’m one of those Alone In A Crowd guys and the people and things I truly care about are few and far between, but only a fool would threaten their well being and let me know about it. To my discredit, most of those people can only guess as to the lengths I would go to help or protect them. As a human being I am a failure, pure and simple. They tell me though, that there’s hope for people like me even though I’ve always been pretty much ….lost.

Having said that, I would like to impart to you the following. I have a certain thing – one special quality that justifies my existence, and it is as the chubby girl says. I don’t know when to quit.

I don’t and I know it and it’s not always a good thing but there’s not much I can do about it. I’ve held onto jobs, relationships and addictions (okay, with me that’s a little redundant) way past the point that any sane person would. I’ve spent years on end tending to the impossible needs of other people on the outside chance that they/we would overcome long odds and formidable obstacles on the way to success and lasting happiness and what I’ve come away with is the inescapable, sure knowledge that some folks will run from reality for as long as they are able to take another step. Many cannot, or will not, be saved from themselves (me included) but I do have a burning desire to keep trying to rescue the ones that need it, be they too far gone or not.

In the mean time, I’ve had to settle for trying my best to save the ones that need and appreciate any help they can get and there are plenty of them around. The Oak Ridge, Tn. Animal shelter has one in particular. So what if she has fur and scars on her face and doggie breath? She needs my help and yours, or somebody like you, and if she doesn’t get it she’ll die soon, the victim of overcrowding in a place that will never have enough space or resources to care for all the broken and unwanted souls that make their way to its doors. This dog needs saved and it ain’t running nowhere.

It can’t.

In just a few days my friend, unless somebody does something, will be put to an early death – its body stacked in an incinerator and set ablaze, all because apparently there’s a surplus of unconditional love and acceptance out there and nobody needs the kind this little animal has to give. Maybe I’ve gone soft in my old age and maybe I haven’t… I’m not saying. But this dog, a decrepit little brown pit bull mix with nothing to set her apart from her fellows, is on a crash course with an inferno, post mortem, and I can’t stand the thought of it. She deserves better than that. She’s helped me find a part of myself  I didn’t even know I had and I swear to you I think  she’s played a role in saving me from a fire in the afterlife, as well. Love can do that, they tell me.

So, there you have it. Just a couple of run-of-the-mill animals looking for a home, here.

Her name is Hope. Come and get her.

C. Fentress

fentresscraig@yahoo.com

p.s. And one other thing I can swear to you on a dusty bible is that I won’t quit until this one, at least, has been saved.

The American Marketing Association defines a brand as a "Name, term, design, symbol, or any other feature that identifies one seller's good or service as distinct from those of other sellers." We all have our favorite brands. Some people care more about "brand names" than other people. I tend to like "brand-name" stuff at discount prices. I don't think anyone needs to pay retail for anything of significance in this competitive economy. I do make exceptions. I have been known to bite the bullet for an Arturo Fuente Opus X on the rare occasions when I can find one in a cigar store...

...Companies spend untold gazillions trying to differentiate their brand from their competitors. Optimally, they want "top of mind awareness" in their particular category. Even better still for marketers is when their brand becomes synonymous with the product. A lot of people ask for a Kleenex, for example, instead of asking for a "tissue." Similarly, "Coke" is often synonymous with "soft drink" or "soda." More companies pursue this elite status than achieve it...

...Despite my brand snobbery, I am occasionally driven to "store brands" while grocery shopping. Most store brands are manufactured by one of the name brand companies but not given the same marketing attention. Bi-Lo's store brand mayonnaise, I'm pretty certain, is manufactured by the same folks who make Duke's mayo. I can't tell the difference... and I've done several jars' worth of taste testing. A lot of store brand products are as good (or close enough that the cost savings makes them taste even closer) as name brand stuff. I have noticed, however, that store brand packaging is often really bad. The boxes and bags just don't open right sometimes. Oh well. It's the price we pay for being thrifty...

...The Super Bowl looms ahead this Sunday. Advertisers will plunk down some of their gazillions to build brand awareness at the only televised sports event in the world as famous for its commercials as it is for its competition. But the biggest brands on display will be those owned by the National Football League. The NFL itself, the Super Bowl brand and the brands of the Patriots and Giants will all get tons of marketing benefit from the big game. But it's still the TV spots that people will be talking about next Monday morning. It always is...

...I type this as polling is beginning to close in the Florida Republican primary. Political campaigns are a great example of branding. Both major parties have a distinctive brand... even when they deviate from their prior platform priorities. Candidates are packaged and promoted like different varieties of laundry detergent. Given that example, you'd expect a cleaner campaign. And it would be nice if the candidates didn't all seem like bargain store generics...

-- Mark Bedford

The Mobile Digital Divide

I am actually typing this week's column on my relatively new iPhone. I resisted the first generation of the groundbreaking Apple devices initially, opting to stick with my trusty World Edition Blackberry. Then I talked myself into an early Droid X. Loved the big screen and the apps, but it was the worst battery drainer ever. When I lost it in the woods, I didn't look that hard for it. Went back to the old Crackberry...

...Until pieces started falling off of it in mid-December and keystrokes resulted in gibberish. Pulled the trigger on an iPhone 4 instead of jumping into the brand new 4S. Been burned by first gen tech too many times -- and not just with that juice-sucking Droid...

...You may have heard the term "digital divide" used to describe the gap between the "haves" and the "have nots" when it comes to technology. It is often used when talking about those whose economic (or geographic) circumstances keep them from getting internet access. I contend that there is now a mobile digital divide between "smart phone" users and those stuck with less intelligent devices...

...By 2015, according to industry experts, more people will access the internet via mobile devices than on desktop or laptop computers. And smartphone users increasingly prefer mobile apps to mere web browsing on their iDroids or whatever...

...In these uncertain economic times, the smartphone market continues to be strong. Those who can't currently use their phones to update their Facebook status or order a pizza often suffer from smartphone envy. There are those who are perfectly content with their basic flip phones (my dad, for example). But I think it will become increasingly hard to find those devices in the future. Verizon, AT&T, etc. all love the bandwidth revenue they get from us smartphone addicts. As data delivery costs are driven down by competition, the digital divide will shrink. I don't know that for certain, of course. But I do know that this column has improved my iPhone typing skills...

Sent from my iPhone

-- Mark Bedford

The Mitt Romney machine keeps gaining momentum...if haltingly. Romney, the definitive front-runner among the Republican presidential candidates, swept the first two primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire. A Mitt win in Saturday's South Carolina primary could force a couple of his lesser "challenges" to drop out of the race...

...But Romney is battling a bit of a public relations challenge. He revealed Tuesday that he pays an effective tax rate of about 15 percent, prompting the White House to say he should pay more. Romney's wealth and "tax burden" have become a battle line in the campaign for the GOP nomination. Romney has rejected calls from former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and Texas Gov. Rick Perry to release his tax returns prior to Saturday's South Carolina primary. (Romney said Tuesday he probably would do so when the 2011 return is ready in April.) The wealth and tax issues won't go away until and unless Romney takes them head on...

...Among those chasing Romney's tail, Gingrich is the one riding the unlikely upswing in momentum. The Newtster impressed in a recent televised debate...managing to sound intelligent, righteous and not evil for one night...

...Perry, on the other hand, shot himself in the foot (again) in a recent debate. The Texas governor argued that Turkey has moved from its "pro-Western views" to a society driven by extremist Muslim views. He also questioned whether the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) should revoke Turkey's membership. Those comments spawned a fiery response from Turkey's ministry of foreign affairs: "Turkey became a member of NATO when the Governor was just two years old…Turkey has also been among the front line countries in the fight against terrorism…The U.S. has no time to lose with such a candidate who does not even know America's allies." Pretty succinct, I'd say...

...I know I've said this before, but it does bear repeating. This is one lackluster crop of Republican presidential hopefuls. Romney still can't win the support of the party bagmen. Those weird Mormonism rumors are popping up again. Ron Paul has some populist appeal, but is considered "unelectable" by the GOP kingmakers. Newt is... well... despicable at heart... but somehow coasting along in Romney's wake without being subject to much serious scrutiny. Perry is... just slowly imploding like some black hole of a candidate...

...We'll know more after the South Carolina primary. Mitt Romney will either put more distance between himself and the other GOP presidential hopefuls... or someone will gain some ground on him...

-- Mark Bedford

Immmm Backkkkk.

Well I am back after several weeks of key-boarditis.

Not that anyone noticed my absence but this is how I would start if I had the attention of the entire city.

With that awkwardness out of the way I can tell you all about my December. On second thought, hell no, I am reluctant to look back on that disaster even for my loyal readers killing time at work in the John.

Oh it started good, December and the memory of last years “Picture Perfect White Christmas”. But that quickly gave way to one of crappiest months I can remember. Now this is coming from a guy who wears a Santa hat to the mall and on the floor of McKenzie Arena. The Father of three young elves who are the picture of Holiday Wonder and a wife who isn’t against being decorated with a few holiday ornaments herself. (Think about it, think about it.) Yeah, I know I missed a chance to go Old School Kahuna but I am a kinder gentler man plus I am really still in no mood to be jolly.

As with all of life it is our attitudes that make life good or bad unless you are getting pissed on around every corner. Then maybe a good umbrella is better than a good attitude. I guess I need to cancel my motivational tour until I snap out of this or they get out the floppy net and nice jacket with the extra-long arms.

I rarely use this space to bitch it’s really too easy and over-done unless you can do it with a very unique style and attitude. Too bad, I DON”T CARE!

For those curious ones here is a USA Today Headline look at my last 6 weeks.

Black Friday

Kahunaman Pulls Tendon In Foot.

Determined to rehab and play ball by early January.                                                             Dr. Clubber Lang predicts PAAAAIN!

December, 1st

Kahunaman Determined To Keep Up The Holiday Spirit.

December, 13th

Kahunaman sez: “Santa Must Hate Me”.

December, 14th

Kahunaman Sez: “Someone Has Been Playing Grinch, And I better Get My Crap Back!

December, 15th

Kahunaman Sez: I Hate Needles.

December, 16th

Does Santa Really Hate The Kahunaman?                                                An in-depth look at what is beginning to seem clear.

December, 19th

Kahunaman Sez: The Grinche’s Ass Is Mine!

December, 20th

Kahunaman Sez: Its Official Santa Hates Me.

December, 23rd

Already at Rock Bottom Kahunaman Dislocates Shoulder.

Limps Through City Streets Naked Screaming “Why Does Everyone Hate Me”? Fortunately all the thugs were out of bullets.

December, 24th

Kahunaman’s Cindy Lou Who Sez:

We Don’t Hate You Daddy, You’re the Best Daddy In The World”.

Little Kahuna Kisses and Hugs prevent messy confrontation with Unknown Scrooge.

December, 25th

When asked “how do you confront an Unknown Scrooge”?  Kahunaman said “Not Today Dummy, Its Christmas”.

December, 26th

When asked again “How do you confront an Unknown Scrooge”?

Kahunaman said: “Kill Them ALL”.

New Years Day

After a week in seclusion Kahunaman ask to clarify his “Kill Them All” comment. His response “Kill Them All with love you dummy, with love.

So, it’s a new year with a new slogan “Kill Them All with Love”. Like I said, the difference is attitude or two tiny words. Either way, NO One is ruining this years Christmas. Yes folks 12-25-2012 will be my day and Santa will Love Me, unless that 12-12-12 stuff is true then I guess Santa can kiss mine too.

Its good to be back and next week I will have some real ramblings of local and national interests. Until then I leave you with the words of Awkmed The Dead Terrorist “Silence, I’ll Kill You with Love”.

Kahunaman AKA That’s all you need to know at this time.

2011 mercifully came to an end finally.  There’s a lot to remember – or forget about the last calendar year.  Everything from gang violence, price gouging at the gas pumps, lack of any movement in the economy and then a series of “movements” that engulfed the mind of not only Americans, but the world.

I am talking about the Occupy Movement.  What a joke. For years I forecast a revolution at the way things were going.  It just isn’t right. It’s not only not right, it’s immoral.  But the worst thing about the occupy movement is the people involved.

Usually when there is a revolution there is a more distinct class war, race war, sexist war, and sexual freedom at stake.

All the rhetoric talks of the 1% versus the 99 percent.  Here’s the thing, the protesters aren’t part of the 99 percent.  They, themselves are another class entirely.  I would be more sympathetic if this was a true class war of haves against have-nots.  It’s not, however.  It’s the haves versus the not-have-as much(es). 

Basically the occupiers are coming off as spoiled brats who didn’t get what they wanted and since the fictitional 1% has it, by god they want their share as well.

Have you paid any attention to the occupy movement?  They aren’t sacrificing anything and getting a bunch of hollow publicity.  Every protester is sitting there on the news updating their Facebook status and tweeting with their smartphone.  If they were really doing without they wouldn’t have the time or technology access to climb aboard the numerous social networks that abound to let their voices be heard.  Your blood and sweat on the front lines of a protest get my respect, not some tweet or link you took the time to google to make you feel good about your personal point of view.

And don’t get me started on the blogosphere.  That, my friends is the wasteland of the new millennium.  While blogging and Facebooking can be fun, it has cheapened the news media, making media personalities of people that would otherwise be stuck and deservedly so stuck in a deadend job, not reward them for copying and pasting or stating an opinion – usually uneducated that a profession media person has labored over.  I have always said Facebook gave a voice to people I had no interest in hearing from to begin with.  It’s just another annoyance on my journalistic path.

The blogosphere is one huge commode that needs to be flushed. For every good or descent blogger there are hundreds or thousands that have no business stating their nonsense as if they are a news forum.  And with modern technology anyone can blog or set up a website for a minimal amount of money and not be held accountable for what they post like other legitimate news outlets. 

Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean I need to hear it.  I could really care less.  Just because you can get online doesn’t mean you need to post every little thought that pops into your head.  It is totally irresponsible.  Just because I enjoy watching ER or House doesn’t mean I have the right to walk into Erlanger and perform heart surgery like the doctor I saw on my favorite TV show.  Just because I have seen it and it looks cool, doesn’t make me a surgeon.  So folks, don’t try this at home either.  Out of all the “writers” that pollute cyberspace, maybe 10 percent are worthy.  Even being a writer or photographer takes training.  Like a heart surgeon, you don’t just do it.  And if you do and you screw up there can be consequences to pay – literally and figuratively.  And if you’re going to write please learn proper use of the English language.

And back to the Occupy movement.  It’s very shallow.  It pales in comparison to the civil right struggles, women’s rights and homosexual rights.  Take your iPhones, your iPads and Droids and go home and man (or woman) up and make the change for yourself.  You are the architect of your own success or demise, not Wall Street or even the government.

 - Wm. Alexander

Sportlitical Gumbo

They say Tim Tebow can't pass well enough to be a full-time starter in the National Football League. Tell that to Pittsburgh cornerback Ike Taylor. Denver's media darling threw a strike on the first play of overtime Sunday, hitting second-year receiver Demaryius Thomas in stride on a "skinny post." Thomas did the rest, dismissing Taylor with a stiff-arm around midfield and then streaking to the end zone to give the Broncs' a 29-23 wildcard round upset over the Steelers and set up a Denver vs. New England divisional playoff matchup this Saturday...

...The rise of the 2007 Heisman Trophy winner has been perhaps the biggest story of this NFL season. Tebow has never made a secret of his Christian beliefs. Quite the contrary. While at the University of Florida, he removed his name from consideration for Playboy's

All-America team because it conflicted with his beliefs. He routinely spent his college summers on mission trips with the parents who home-schooled him. He celebrates his big plays in the NFL by taking a knee and praying,..a gesture that has become known as "Tebowing." Media analysts and others who would never be so politically incorrect as to mock Muslims, Jews, Mormons or other denominations have no problem bashing the quarterback for his public religious displays. But Tebow is having the last laugh...so far...

...I am typing this on Tuesday night. To give you some sense of context, Alabama beat the crap out of LSU last night...and CNN just "called" the New Hampshire Republican primary for front-runner Mitt Romney. I'm going to ramble between sports and politics for a bit...hence the "sportlitical" headline...

...So back to the New Hampshire primary results. It's no surprise that Romney, the former governor of Massachusetts, came out on top in a New England primary. As I watch CNN's election results, Ron Paul is in second, with Jon Huntsman third. So far. One can but hope that some of the also-rans in the GOP primary field will start to drop out...

...Alabama took LSU to the woodshed Monday night. It still bothers me that a team that didn't win either its division or its conference (Bama) should be able to play in the "national championship" game. But Monday night's game certainly proved that the current edition of the Crimson Tide is one heck of a college football team. I'd still like to see a college football final four, but the NCAA is in bed with the bowls too deep for that to happen in my lifetime...

...And I suppose it's too much to expect Newt Gingrich to drop out of the presidential race this week? One can but hope...

-- Mark Bedford

I'm not usually the type to go out and get rowdy on New Year's Eve. There have been some notable and memorable exceptions to this policy, but I most often leave the rowdiness to others on NYE. This past weekend was one of those notable exceptions. D's original suggestion that we go to Nashville for a big bash with Here Come The Mummies got derailed once we learned that Cake was playing at Atlanta's fabulous Fox Theater. D jumped online and snagged some good tix, then booked us at the Hotel Indigo that's almost across the street from the Fox. It was on...

...A planned 10 a.m. Saturday departure slipped to about 1:30. We set course for Little Five Points. Upon our arrival, we got on the wait list for The Vortex and moseyed down to Wax n' Facts. D snapped up a short stack of deluxe vinyl - including a nice Joy Division bootleg and The Replacements' superb "Pleased to Meet Me" - and then we wolfed down some delish bacon cheeseburgers back at the V. After eating our fill at Moreland Avenue's legendary burger bar, we went back to the Indigo to get ready for the show...

...I hadn't been to a show at the Fox in a very long time. D had never even seen the building. We were both blown away by the acoustics of the place. The Imperial Opa Circus opened up with musical/acrobatic/variety performers and was the kind of opening act that made you eager for the headliner. When Cake finally took the stage, they owned the place. Singer John McCrea's deadpan delivery of the band's slyly sarcastic lyrics was a joy to behold. Guitarist Xan McCurdy threw in some spectacular licks, while trumpeter Vince DiFiore jazzed things up with his smooth horn riffs...

...Cake cruised smoothly through their fan-friendly hit list, while sliding in plenty of cuts from "Showroom of Compassion," their most recent release. The band took an obligatory break for kissing and yelling at midnight, then finished up with a nice encore highlighted (of course) by "The Distance." All in all, it was a great show. But any plans we had for going somewhere afterwards were aborted when we heard screams, lots of police sirens and a gunshot through the hotel room window...

...Things were much calmer on New Year's Day. We strolled through Neiman-Marcus and spent our imaginary 10K gift certificates, then had oysters and beer at Dantanna's. Dinner was a long-anticipated trip to Fogo de Chao. It was as impressive as its reputation...and then some. After our brief trip to the salad and vegetable island, we were visited by an army of skewer-toting servers carrying a carnivore's dream. Beef, lamb, pork, and chicken in various incarnations...as much as you want...brought to you for as long as your little "button" indicator showed its green side. Flip it over...red side up...to take a break or throw in the towel...

...Chattanooga has some great venues and some great restaurants. But this past New Year's weekend reminded me how much fun it is to get a dose of Atlanta now and then. Cake...at the Fox...was a great way to usher in 2012...and get rid of 2011...

-- Mark Bedford

For the past two weeks pastor Tim Reid has been the whipping boy for the local media, the local political powers that be and every other person in a 200 mile radius with an internet connection and the ability to put their two-cents worth in on numerous news sites, blogs and what have you.  Reid is the leader of the Mosaic Church in Chattanooga located at 412 Market Street.

Mosaic Church is a legitimate church with a number of affiliates around the United States.  They are a multi-denominational church similar to any Presbyterian, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, etc. church in this country. This is not something that is specific to Chattanooga.

At one point Chattanooga had more churches per capita than any other city in the United States.  They also house more 501(c)3 corporations (or non-profits) than anywhere else. Unlike many of the businesses that use 501(c)3 status to avoid paying taxes by trying to make us aware of “downtown” or “Chattanooga”, etc., a religious organization is inline with what makes a legitimate 501(c)3.  Religious services are held on a regular basis and not just on Sunday.

Operating a church is big business.  Mosaic is a small fish in this market.  They were fortunate enough to be given a building to work out of.  There are no tall cathedral ceilings and stained glass windows.  They don’t insist their followers wear their “Sunday best” to attend service.  After all, they are trying to teach the word of God, not be part of a fashion show.  Since they don’t appeal to the big spenders and money people being in the central business district they don’t attract the wealthy followers that other churches have that at times appear to guilt their patrons into tithing their hard-earned (or inherited) money to make ends meet.  What Pastor Reid has done was use the available space in the large building he has receivership over and attempted to raise operating funds for the church and the maintenance of the building.

One of the goals Pastor Reid has attempted through his ministry is attempt to reach inner city youth and adults who are pretty much ignored by the general populace except during the night of the Bessie Smith Strut and election time.  As pie in the sky great that does sound it occasionally backfires as with what happened Christmas morning outside of the church or Club Fathom as the event area has been called.

Mix 400 young inner city youths and young adults, mix with contemporary music, stir it with the poor economy and poor communication skills of local civic leaders and there is bound to be trouble.  Tim Reid is one singular guy trying to wrangle all this together and getting very little help from everyone.  Add to that social media which can change and distort facts with a single keystroke and it’s surprising there hasn’t been even more problems than the shooting.

Tim is being figuratively lynched by mayor Ron Littlefield who has done little himself in dealing with the greater populace of Chattanooga.  Where are the other civic leaders like Jo Ann Favors or Tommie Brown?  After all, a lot of these young adults are her constituency and they and their parents voted them into office to look after their well-being.  Why has it been up to pretty much Tim Reid to provide an outlet for the urban youth of the city?  There are a lot of urban kids out there and despite the size of 412 Market, it still dwarfs the size of the problem.

And let us not forget this is a gang problem.  For almost 30 years there has been a gang problem in Chattanooga.  Back in 1986 Chattanooga Life & Leisure, a monthly city magazine that used to be around did a cover story on the gang problem in Chattanooga.  Then mayor Gene Roberts dismissed it as did the powers that be.  Plans were underway to make Chattanooga a downtown destination and the idea of an aquarium was in the planning stages.

After Roberts the next two mayors used their political connections to push through property and business deals that profited them greatly once they left office. Rumors were rife that crime figures were fudged in order to promote Chattanooga as a safe, family friendly destination.  Chattanooga is a beautiful town.  But there is something that stinks besides the over-taxed sewer system.

Shutting down Fathom and dragging Tim Reid’s reputation is no way to handle what is wrong.  Why wasn’t gang activity addressed years ago?  Why is there so much rampant gang activity now?  It’s not Fathom’s fault.  It goes a lot deeper than that.  It’s not the police department’s fault.  They are already overworked and underpaid, not to mention the animosity between the mayor’s office and the departments.

And police get a bad rap in this city.  They are not the enemy.  It is not their job to go around and arrest everyone.  It is not the implicit purpose of the police to arrest everyone.  Their job is simple: uphold the laws that are on the books.  The reason you are being arrested in because you are breaking the law, not because of your race, your gender, or anything like that.  At least it’s not supposed to be.  Trust me, most would rather go about their business instead of dealing with mountains of paperwork, court appearances or physical confrontations.  For the most part they have better things to do and so should you.

Looking for loopholes and excuses for Fathom to shut its doors is ridiculous and short sighted, but expected by this administration.  After all, they wanted to charge our hard working law enforcement men and women to drive their cars home.  Shutting down Fathom and Tim Reid’s ministry is like placing a band-aid over a gaping wound – it’s not going to fix the situation.

The problem is socio-economic, it’s responsibility of parents and the parents before them and the culture in which they are raising their children.  It’s like cancer.  They claim they don’t know how to cure it but they treat the symptoms so you can maintain.  There is more money to be made by maintaining than curing the problem.  Sure, the incident was a cancer and gang activity is a cancer, but taking away a place where they can theoretically get help doesn’t help.  Putting the gang bangers in jail isn’t helping either.  The way the legal system works a lot of them get out or off with a minimal hassle and they are back at it.  A number of them laugh once released and actually feel empowered because they obtain some form of street credibility for being incarcerated and them getting put back out on the streets.

As a society we have to address this problem before it gets to this point.  As a member of society we have to be responsible for our own actions and those in our immediate family, not expect the government, a teacher, neighbor or even someone like Tim Reid to bear all the responsibility for our actions.

It’s 2012 now.  Maybe this is the end of times.  As a country we have pretty much abandoned what this country was founded on, which was freedom OF religion – not freedom from religion.  Every day the church, religion and those things held near and dear to this country for centuries and the world as well has been put up for ridicule.  Case in point, the way the media has ridiculed Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos for his religious beliefs.  Tebow is a little more open about praying than a lot of other athletes, but he doesn’t try to preach to them, he attempts to lead by example, yet is crucified by the media, other pro football players and just about anyone else trying to get a cheap laugh.

Go ahead and laugh if you want.  What’s going on in Chattanooga and the world is not really a laughing matter.  We’ll see who gets the last laugh.

 - Wm. Alexander

Bad (News) Santa

There are always a few bad and weird things that happen during the Christmas news cycle. So... along with the touching stories about soldiers sneaking home to meet their kids... old men who have swapped the same present for 20 Christmases... and other such heartstring pullers... there are some bad and weird stories...

...This year was no exception. Some kid got stabbed while Christmas shopping on Oxford Street in London. Some guy dressed up like Santa and capped six of his relatives in Texas. Shoppers went crazy over the new Air Jordans. (A woman had her face slashed while fighting over the the fancy new Nikes.) Teens rioted in the Mall of America because they thought 'Lil Wayne was going to show up. And nine people got shot at a "Christmas Party" in Chattanooga, Tennessee...

...That's right. Our fair city made the "Christmas Bad News" list this year. The link to a local story was on the right hand column in The Drudge Report's Christmas Day edition. In addition to being incredibly bad public relations for a city very conscious of its image, the Christmas Eve shooting might have pushed a lot of Chattanoogans over the edge when it comes to downtown violence. It's gone past just being a perception that downtown isn't safe...

...It was apparently some kind of "gang conflict" that turned the area around the trouble-spawning Club Fathom into a free-fire zone early Christmas morning. The investigation is ongoing, but it seems that one off-duty police officer was hired to provide "security" for the Club Fathom party. When the shots started firing, the "rent a cop" called for backup...

...Policing is always political. Would there have been a big press conference this past Tuesday if the shootings had occurred in a city housing project or out by Hamilton Place? Perhaps. But shootings at Fourth and Market are a threat to our city's ongoing growth, public image and prosperity. And it's becoming increasingly obvious that the current policing strategy is ill-equipped to deal with large gangs of armed youths flooding into the downtown area. The increasing number of city surveillance cameras may eventually provide evidentiary benefits, but they aren't much of a deterrent...

...The city closed its downtown "precinct" in April of 2010, but approved funding for a new facility a year later... after a rash of downtown shootings. After the high-profile incident at Club Fathom this past week, it might be time to upgrade those plans. We don't need a glorified bike and Segway rack for the downtown patrol officers. We need more cops available for incidents downtown... even in the wee hours of Christmas morning. I don't want to turn downtown Chattanooga into a police state, but I don't want it turning into a battle zone either...

-- Mark Bedford

Everyone I know is ready for 2011 to be over. It's been a weird and bad year for many of us. I'm definitely hoping that 2012 is much, much better...if the world doesn't end next December 21st, that is...

...By now you've probably seen or heard the stories. Some say that a 1,300-year-old Mayan stone tablet predicts the end of the world on the aforementioned date. Others insist that the ancient stone only portends the end of a cycle on the Mayan calendar, not an apocalypse. But you know how the lunatic fringe thinks. Some people see doomsday signs in their breakfast cereal. A semi-legit prediction like this must have them crazy with anticipation...

...While I don't personally believe the world will end on 12.21.12, I have been thinking about what might happen if this particular apocalyptic prediction was true. I've seen enough disaster movies (and have enough common sense) to know that panic would surely ensue if an End of The World (EOTW) date was confirmed. There would be looting and chaos, I'm sure. I also imagined some dialogues with persons having varying levels of faith...

...You're an athiest? Cool. See ya. You're agnostic? Okay. You have until next December to figure things out. You don't want to be around for the EOTW? Fine. You have until next December to build your personal spacecraft...

...A friend of mine and I were talking about the potential Mayan apocalypse in the context of the upcoming new year when I had a weird thought. What if we could be guaranteed of the best year ever...from 1.1.12 until 12.21.12...then the whole world would blow up or implode or simply just cease to exist? I know a lot of people who would take that deal...

...I'm not saying that the mass extinction of mankind (and all other Earth creatures) is a good idea. I'm just saying that most of the things that make us fear death would not be a factor in the event of a global apocalypse. There would be no one behind to miss you when you're gone. Likewise, the passing of your loved ones wouldn't be as tragic if you went along with them...

...Regardless of what does (or doesn't) happen next December, I'd like the night of 12.20.12 to be a night of immense celebration. If the quasi-predictions are right, let's all go out in style. If they're not... I just like the excuse for a massive party. And you know what music will be playing at the stroke of midnight. R.E.M. "It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine." See you at my 2012 Punch-Out Party...

-- Mark Bedford

Beware of North Georgia redneck women.  Be very, very careful.

You know the ones I’m talking about.  You can recognize them in very simple ways.

The first is the hair.  It’s done in blonde, or they have a dye job.  There’s normally  several different shades of blonde with dark roots showing.  It’s always long – too long.

The second is the fingernails.  They may not have enough money for the rent, but they get their nails done (a lot of time they are not real nails).

A third way is they like to eat at a restaurant that doesn’t have toothpicks by the register. (You can see them in the corner of their mouth as they leave,)

A fourth way is their jeans.  How do they get such a huge butt in such a small space?

Smoking is the fifth way.  They have to smoke all the time.  Their hair (see #1 above) smells like smoke, their clothes smell like smoke, even their breath smells like smoke.

A sixth way is kids.  They usually have one or more (usually more) who for some reason live with their dad – not always her ex-husband, but the kid’s dad anyway.

Cursing takes number 7.  Man can they cuss.  ‘Nuff said.

Coming in at number 8 is their car.  It’s beater that smokes more than they do (they always need money for gas).

I could go on, but you get the point.  A point to remember is not to make one mad unless you really want your car keyed.

The sex is great – a cross between mad monkey love and barnyard frolic.

Don’t ever let them bring the kids along or ever, ever go and meet their mother.

Even though they probably finished high school, they do a good job at “Mickey D’s”.

Some of the best waitresses at redneck bars come from North Georgia.  They work real hard until they meet Mr. Right and run off to spawn.

Well, you get the idea.  Now get up and go home.

 - Paul Burke, Sr.

It has been said that a daughter is a bundle of firsts that excite and delight, giggles that come from deep inside and are always contagious, everything wonderful and precious and your love for her knows no bounds.

It has been said because it is so true.

It was recently pointed out to me that it has been six years since the crazy man of Chattanooga television and Night Life met his match and took to the domestic way of things. I was told by a very nice and enthusiastic former viewer and Wild Wednesday disciple “The Big Kahuna was tamed by a baby girl”.

Not only was I tamed but pretty much whipped and totally put in full on amazed mode.

So this weekend on the verge of my little girl turning six we had our official annual birthday “Daddy Daughter Day”. It is an event designed with the sole purpose of making my little princess feel like, well, a little princess and daddy never wants to disappoint.

Friday afternoon we leave from watching the oldest son play his best basketball game of the season. The Daddy, that’s me, well I am walking on a cane because two days prior I rip a tendon in my foot and find myself being injected so maybe I can play this season as well. A torn Plantar is a very painful injury but Daddy Daughter Day is not a want, it’s a must and it requires a trip, no make that a journey to the mall.

Yep, it’s a Friday Night in Mid-December; I have an injury that can best be described as a walking on hot marbles with a blade stuck in my heel and me and my soon to be six year old angel are about to assault the mall looking for her Birthday/Christmas outfit.

So off we go, no radio folks, nooooo this is her time and from the backseat she strategically plots our assault on the perfect Daddy Daughter excursion. I try and find any parking spot that keeps me from walking so far on my injury that I surrender before making it to the front entrance of the mall. Bang, looks like a spot on the fifty and half way is pretty good on a Friday in December.

So I start to unload my precious cargo and as I start around the car leaning on my doctor prescribed cane I realize that I had never seen a Prince using a cane and since I had a Princess with me then the cane was a no go. Off we go, hand and hand as we start our great adventure, me thinking Lord help us find the perfect outfit and keep me from crying as I walk.

My daughter was dressed in the outfit we bought last year, her “Katy Perry” dress as she calls it, a beautiful green and red holiday dress with peppermints and candy canes on it that really goes perfect with my angels blond pigtails. So, proud daddy and daughter walk hand and hand through the mall as we assault the stores and take in every site. At first I was on a mission to find any outfit before my pain tolerance gave out and I disappointed my girl but something almost “magical” happened. The more we walked, talked, shopped and laughed the further I felt I could walk. The more she held my hand as she looked at everything we passed the better I felt. My little girl never pulled away or ran over and looked at anything without taking me hand and hand with her. It was as if we were handcuffed or Super Glued together, she never left my side she never wanted to drop hands except when we actually stopped and held things.

As we shopped and walked along several people commented on her dress and how pretty she was and each time she replied “My Daddy bought me this dress last year”. No fewer than a dozen UTC Moc fans said hello or stopped us and each time I was proud to say “Its Daddy Daughter Day”.

We saw Santa, played on the playground, had a mall meal, read books and yes we found the perfect outfit, shinny black and pink with a furry purse and pink heart necklace. About half way through I realized that my daughter’s attention was actually good pain medication and while I knew I was walking too much, I could have cared less.

It was about then that I noticed the girls about 7 or 8 walking very independently of their dads and the teens in the mall all grown up and on their own with no dad in site. But there I was hand in hand with the girl of my dreams, she wasn’t texting or trying to act as if I wasn’t there, oh no, she was very proud of the fact that this was our night out and so I listened to every word that she said as if I had become a recording device myself. I watched her dimpled smile as she took in every moment, it really was magical.

And so as the night drew to an end we extended our time by staying in the bookstore area after the mall closed where we shopped for storybooks and sat in small chairs and read. The announcement came across that it was almost closing time as she looked at me and yawned, it had been a long day for such a small Princess.

So as we went to the checkout and paid for our books the attendant gave my daughter one final compliment about her beautiful dress in which she replied “My daddy bought it, it’s our Daddy Daughter Night”. The attendant said “Wow, I used to love those nights with my daddy too”. I grinned hoping that I had just given my little girl a memorable experience that she would remember also until she grabbed me, hugged my waist and said “I love Daddy Daughter Day and I love my Daddy”!

I had to swipe the VISA and head out of there as fast as possible because I almost lost my stuff in front of the really cute bookstore chick. We hit the night air and started the long hike back to daddy’s carriage. As we walked hand in hand I realized that this night was not about my daughters Birthday gift but was an early Christmas gift for me.

Santa must have known exactly what Daddy needed for his injured foot and his weary heart because the night air had never felt better and there has never in the history Daddy Daughter Days been a better one.

Spend time with your kids people. Not for them, for you.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass 

By the time Herman Cain finally dropped out of the presidential race, it didn't come as much of a surprise. The former candidate for the Republican nomination for president survived an initial wave of harassment and cover-up allegations, but "suspended" his campaign in the wake of allegations that he had a 13-year extramarital affair with Atlanta businesswoman Ginger White...

...Now that he's gone, I am left to ponder The Cain Phenomenon. I stand by my earlier assertion that Cain's biggest "plus" was the fact that he wasn't Mitt Romney. Scratch beneath the surface of Herman Cain and you find...another layer of surface. He slipped under the radar for a long time, but when his latest batch of dirty laundry was aired publicly, Cain folded up his tent. There was something of the folk hero in the former Godfather's Pizza CEO. It was kind of sad to see him capitulate that way...

...There wasn't much depth to the Cain candidacy...or to Cain, the candidate. His spectacular gaffes revealed a sad naivete on foreign affairs. He got by on sheer charisma, right until the end...

...Cain's departure leaves us with the same weak, weird pool of GOP candidates we've had for a while now. Gaffemeister (and Texas governor) Rick Perry won't bow out. Newt Gingrich is still conning enough of the voting public to keep his name up in the polls. The aforementioned Mitt Romney is doing his usual casual coast...

...Ron Paul is technically a Republican candidate, but he always seems to be doing his own thing. I wouldn't rule out a third-party run for Paul (if he doesn't win the GOP nomination). His army of ardent supporters will follow him wherever he goes...

...At this point in the game, the smart money is still on Mitt. But Romney's sporadic leads are not big at this juncture. Mitt, Newt, and the others will be scrambling to claim the former Cain campaigners. This is what makes politics so fun to watch...

-- Mark Bedford

Merry Christmas

I hope all of you enjoy the season like small children.

 Not like infants spitting up and urinating on your self but with joy and wonder of all the miracles and possibilities of the season. I know some will surely find the magic while others will drift farther and farther away from the child inside.

That’s too bad!

I started to do a list of my Top Christmas gifts and all the cool stuff I did with them but there are more pressing topics.

I will however recap my fondness for past gifts such as my first basketball goal mounted on the tree by the side of my house in Fairview. The house on the huge hill, the one where if you missed the rim you could run two-hundred yards downhill before catching the ball. I loved my Daisy Red Rider Air Riffle, my 10 plus Hot Wheel Tracks and my first stereo that started a life long love of music. But none of them intrigue me like what I am about to talk to you about.

A few years ago I did an episode on my TV show about Realm cologne, we called it Lion-Piss because it supposedly had the same chemical makeup of Big Cat Urine and that would drive all the other felines in a man’s direction if you know what I mean.

Now I have long been aware of the effects of certain colognes on certain women. I dated a proper young lady one time who pointed out to me that she called Arimas Cologne, “Panty Ripper”. So I bought some and sure enough, she was right, for her it was, to me it smelled like the Barber Shop in Mayberry.

 So guys listen to what and how your lady reacts to your scent.

Now to this week’s investigation.

The new female pheromone perfume “Fragrance of Eros” is sweeping the face book world as women are secretly spreading the word that if you want to get close to a man just let them get a whiff of this amazing scent.

Really?

Women now feel they need a special scent to get men to sleep with them? This stuff will set a girl back sixty dollars. In my day all a guy needed was a whiff of Tequila on a girl’s breath and it was on. What does this stuff do, make a guy crazy for a girl who hasn’t shaved her legs in a month?

And on eBay the big retro scent is the Burger King cologne called “Flame Body Spray”. Yes, Burger King’s failed scent for men and that smells of “Broiled Meat”. Now I like me some charred animal flesh on occasion and I can say on a cold night the smell of the fire place can be inviting but I am not sure I am ready to smell like “Meat”.

How does or should I say who does this scent attract?

I have seen Ashton get his nads nearly eaten by that beast of a canine in “Cheaper by The Dozen” after those brilliant kids soaked his tighty whiteys in meat.

How big must a woman be to find herself drawn to a man who smells of fast food?

 I mean it could be worse the scent could be of fried burgers instead of broiled but that could only improve the draw by a few hundred pounds.

How would you test this? Why would you risk it?

Maybe spray it on and walk by the Funnel Cake Trailer at Riverbend and if you have to dash to the river and swim to safety then maybe they have a winner, or at least something that could help farmers herd their bacon.

What would be the uses?

Send it to an enemy in prison? There is a game for you, Hungry Horny Hippo.

Anyhow if you’re looking for some “Mouthwatering Mojo” head over to eBay for some B.K. manliness.

Until next time I suggest if you want to smell like meat sleep with a butcher.

Happy Holidays

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

...Tennessee's first loss to Kentucky since the mullet era was a painful thing to watch. Matt Roark, a reserve receiver for the Wildcats who last played quarterback at North Cobb HS in Georgia, started under center and rushed for 124 yards as the Vols' 26-year winning streak in the beer barrel game came to an end. UT would have been "bowl eligible" with a win in Lexington, but there's no way the Little Orange deserved a post-season game after this lackluster campaign. The Vols finished 5-7 overall and just 1-7 in the Southeastern Conference for their first back-to-back losing seasons since 1976-77...

...Some Tennessee boosters are already calling for coach Derek Dooley's resignation. While I don't think you can blame Dooley for the past two seasons, that doesn't mean I think he's the man to bring the Vols back to respectability. He was hired in a hurry when Lane Kiffin scurried off to Southern Cal and it's obvious that former UT athletic director Mike Hamilton was simply looking for the anti-Kiffin. Dooley was 17-20 at Louisiana Tech when he was hired. His record at Tennessee is now 11-14 overall and 4-12 in SEC play...

...Can you think of any other SEC team that would have hired a 17-20 coach from the Western Athletic Conference? Look at the smart hires in the nation's pre-eminent conference. Steve Spurrier to South Carolina. Les Miles to Louisiana State. Nick Saban to Alabama. Big-time coaches. Tennessee has never been willing to pay the price for a big-time coach...

...Will Shelton, who covers UT football for Rocky Top Talk on www.sbnation.com, posted a much-quoted column back in late October: "What's Wrong With Tennessee Football Has Nothing To Do With Derek Dooley." Shelton asserts that three years' worth of overrated and underperforming recruiting classes are the real problem... and offers a lot of documentation to support his argument. I won't rehash his numbers, but I urge any serious Vol football fan who has not read that article to hit Google and look it up...

...Another problem with UT football? Unrealistic expectations. Tennessee had back-to-back SEC championships in 1997-98, along with conference titles in 1990 and 1985. Prior to that, the Vols' last SEC crown was in 1969. Tennessee has never been the dominant football power that its most loyal fans like to think it is. Sorry for the reality check...

...Georgia and LSU play for this year's SEC title on Saturday. One sports radio pundit proclaimed that the Tigers could beat the Bulldogs "wearing high heels and oven mitts." While I'm not sure that's the case, only a fool would pick the Dawgs. An LSU win this Saturday will set up a probable rematch with Alabama for the national championship. The SEC is head and shoulders better than any other conference in the country and the SEC West this year is just plain loaded with talent. Can Derek Dooley recruit and coach the top-tier players that can compete at that level? He'll get one more year to find out...

-- Mark Bedford

There are only two emotions in a plane: boredom and terror.

~Orson Welles

I have been missing from these pages the last two weeks and I hope everyone had a marvelous Turkey Day. I often list many things I am grateful about and try and inspire you folks as well. In my absence I hope you found things to give thanks for. If not, next time, look down and confirm the existence of your naughty parts and if they are intact and functional then, well let’s just say you owe a big thank you directed in a Northern Lights kind of direction.

There, you have been inspired! No thanks necessary, it’s what I do.

As for my absence I was off working an International trade show for a company here in town that I assist in marketing and branding. The show was an award winning experience for our group as we won our second International Best Of Award in the last three years. Yes Chattanooga has award-winning companies not named VW or Amazon and I must say that I am very proud of our team. That is a story for another day.

I spent my time making some observations from the airports and planes that took me on this adventure. The following are actual scribbles of observations I made during my trip.

* Flying out of Chattanooga is a joy compared to driving to Atlanta and fighting the long lines. Even our TSA agents are nicer here in the Scenic City. New city slogan “Chattanooga, We have fewer assholes”.

* Turbo prop planes. They say they are safer because if anything goes wrong they can land anywhere. Fewer people die in them. It’s because they only hold like 24 people. I see SUVs in Dalton with more people in them than these things.

* Checking out a Ginger. My name for any average woman extremely and obviously overdressed for the strip search event that is now air travel. This one is 40ish and just gave an “I am hotter than you” look to a cute twenty something standing beside her. The younger is my idea of an airport angel. No makeup yet attractive, jeans, hoodie, sandals for a quick shoe check and a small carry on that will easily fit overhead. Damn that’s hot!

* Checking out a MaryAnne. My name for a truly hot, fashionably dressed hottie with cool matching luggage. A MaryAnne has to be an 8.5 or hotter with swagger. Not overdressed like a Ginger but HOTLY displayed. This one has on leggings, boots and a nice short sweater dress that fits her extremely well equipped body like an expensive glove. Why is she a MaryAnne? Because she is one of those hot people that never sits before boarding but stakes out a piece of property in the concourse where traffic going both ways use her as a dividing line or human island. She is close enough to board when it’s time but she never crowds, that would take away the site lines for all of us who want to admire her. This one has three pieces of polka dot luggage that stack on top of each other. For twenty minutes she has stood there in the way and never once made eye contact with anyone. She will never be on an island alone she will always have the one she loves the most, herself.

* When flight attendants give the pre-flight instructions most people ignore them. Being from a polite town like Chattanooga and being a well raised Southern Boy, I have to pay attention. I know all this by heart but no matter how homely or boring the attendant I feel it is rude to not look up and smile. This one is a robot. Stick this into this and yank this and breath and yak yak yak. So when she was finished I ask her a question. In the event of a water landing is it ok to take off your pants? I thought she might find it funny and lighten her day. Instead she swapped ends of the plane with the other attendant. Lucky I didn’t get shot by the Sky Marshall.

* Someone just passed gas. I hope they lose your luggage.

* The attendant who took the place of the offended one just walked by me and said “yes in the event of a water landing it is okay to take off your pants”. Then with a smile she said “some crew members don’t enjoy conversation, but I think it was funny, here have some Pringles”.

* Just ran from gate 68 to gate 14. Half the moving sidewalks not working and I have a damaged heel. You can tell the Holiday travelers from the business folks. Makes me want to go Roller Derby on a few of them and slingshot ahead of the pack.

* So I just watched a guy try and get a half gallon of hair conditioner through the line, another had steel toed boots with some sort of gel in the heel and another lady didn’t realize the clips on her wig would set off the detector. Caught up in this sideshow I forgot to take off my own shoes. Now the person behind me can talk about the four dummies that were in front of her.

* Finally returning home, first row of coach. Through the curtain I smell something that smells like steak, I mean a really awesome scent. So I am sitting here eating my Pringles and sipping Diet Coke. Now I hear the cling of Crystal and three or four voices saying cheers. So being the king of flight attendant chat I asked the attendant sitting in jump in front of me “In flight meal and champagne”? “I’ll tell you when we land” she said.

* We’re landing and she tells me that they are four soldiers who won a contest from the airline to fly first class back home for Thanksgiving, complete with a steak meal and a toast as they crossed their home Georgia State line. Each are home after three tours in Iraq, this is their last. Makes me want to carry their luggage but I have to get from gate 3 to 55 this time so off I go and like the soldiers I am coming home.

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

Thankful for the Chaos

Lord knows I like to get on my soapbox and complain about politics and politicians. Over the last calendar year, I've become increasingly jaded with the Obama administration, increasingly distrustful of those pulling the strings in the Republican party and overwhelmingly disgusted with those running our nation's government at all levels. That really hasn't changed much. What has changed, I suppose, is how I am choosing to respond to the vacuum in national leadership...

...Things are so bad now that they almost literally have to get better. On the plus side, the two major parties are both suffering from the aforementioned leadership vacuum. The Republican presidential primary race heats up pretty quickly after the first of the year, beginning with the Iowa caucus on January 3, peaking with the 10 "Super Tuesday" primaries on March 6 and winding up with the Utah primary on June 26. And, at this point, there is no clear-cut "leader" among the top four GOP candidates -- Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Herman Cain and (yes, I promise) Newt Gingrich...

...This free-for-all has to be making the party bigwigs nervous. None of the aforementioned "Gang of Four" presidential hopefuls are as safe and predictable for the high-dollar donors as George W. Bush was. Frankly, the 2008 John McCain-Sarah Palin ticket had to scare the hell out of those folks too. McCain is predictably unpredictable and Palin turned out to be a whole deck full of crazy wild cards...

...Romney is the guy who wasn't good enough in '08. Has he done something spectacular since then? If so, I didn't see it in the papers. And, though don't want to keep dwelling in this...my gut tells me that Mitt's Mormonism is an ongoing obstacle to the fundamentalist Christian wing of the GOP. Ron Paul is at least as independent as McCain...and hasn't ruled out a third-party presidential run if someone else wins the Republican nomination. Cain is fast losing his "flava of the the month" appeal and has already revealed a frightening lack of foreign policy savvy. (Did he really not know that China is a nuclear power? Really?) Newt Gingrich is only surviving because there are a lot of new voters who have not yet been reminded what a total turd he is as a person. Count on Newt's opposition to start reminding people of the Georgian's turdness...

...But I am trying to embrace the chaos. The "up" side of the GOP leadership vacuum is the chance that something totally unpredictable might happen. If anyone other than Romney wins the nomination, the party powers-that-be will have a fun time trying to market the eventual nominee. The smart money guys, companies and political action groups always hedge their bets anyway, but I like the idea of them having to fund four campaigns for a while. And I like the idea that all of those political "experts" are as much in the dark on the upcoming primaries as I am...

-- Mark Bedford

My half-Japanese friend, Mike V, had an expression he would drag out when it started getting colder. "The weather outside is like a Japanese ballet," he'd deadpan. "There's a little Nip in the air." Granted, Mike's comment was a bit racist...and, even worse, I'm sure a lot of our younger readers don't even know what a "Nip" is. (It's a pejorative expression for Japanese people...short for "Nipponese.") But Mike was built like a fire hydrant and had a black belt in judo. He could get away with it...

...We've had a little nip in the air on and off for several weeks now. I officially proclaimed the beginning of "brown liquor" weather long ago. Ergo, I am unlikely to taste white liquor again until spring. (Bloody Marys for medicinal purposes don't count.) Chattanooga is one of those places that definitely gets all four seasons...and, frankly, there was a bit more winter last year than I needed. But our falls and springs are so amazing that I feel bad for whining...

...Last week was a rough one. The still-unfolding sexual abuse scandal at Penn State University dominated the headlines. It was (and is) one of those stories that can literally make you sick. I will spare you all of the details, largely because they have been spread far and wide already. Before the allegations against former PSU defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky, who could have imagined a world where legendary coach Joe Paterno would be fired? The Nittany Lions are so "vanilla" that their uniforms look almost generic. Now Penn State has a massive public relations job ahead. Massive...

...Andy Rooney left this mortal coil last week too. The longtime "60 Minutes" commentator had a unique ability to make the mundane interesting. This is quite a feat, considering that most television personalities do the opposite. I don't know if CBS is planning to plug someone else into Andy's slot, but I hope they wait a while. They should just show footage of the old curmudgeon's empty desk and chair, while that clock continues to tick...tick...tick...

...I guess I forgot to tell you that I'd be rambling a bit. But if you've gotten this far, you've figured that out for yourself. I knew I wanted to mention the Penn State thing, but I also knew I didn't want to write a whole column on it. The whole scenario still makes me nauseated. I just hope those kids' parents sue the university for enough to pay for a massive amount of therapy. Massive...

-- Mark Bedford

 “When you detonated the car bomb…..what was the last thing that went through your mind? My ass!”

Jeff Dunham and Ackmed The Dead Terrorist

In case you didn’t know, hadn’t noticed or really just don’t care we are still at war on one front but pulling out of another. Not sure why or even with who but people are dying and stuff is getting broke. My friend left today for a tour of Afghanistan.

Note to Katy Perry fans “just because Snoop Dog isn’t as violent as he once was doesn’t mean the world is a safe place”.

A few months ago I wrote about the need for and the possibility of increased airport security. With the recent intercepted terrorists and with Christmas approaching I believe we will soon see it.

I will be flying this week and it is never the cakewalk it once was. And I hope all of you enjoy your next flight.

October, 12th 2009 was the day I realized we would probably win this war on the radicals. It made me think.

Ackmed! Oh Ackmed, where art thou dear Ackmed?

He is alive, was alive and smiling on his Facebook page. Then, he stuffed explosives in his butt and blew himself up in an attempt to assassinate a Saudi Security leader. The leader had invited the Body Cavity Bandit to his headquarters to surrender when the crap hit the fan, the wall, the palace and yes the Saudi. Fortunately the good guy only needed a few stitches and a bathtub full of tomato juice to get over this Beavis like attempt.

According to the butt-bomb experts such attempts do not allow enough room for a large enough bomb to bring down buildings or even planes and will only have a limited success rate with assassinations.

So, what’s the big deal?

Even with most of the “Deck of Cards” bad guys dead, there are still some scary crazy people trying to get us and since it is getting hard to move around they have gotten into our lives and body cavities through increased security.

Current airport technology cannot penetrate bodies enough to detect such bombs so simply walking through an x-ray device will not get the job done.

So to all of my peeps out there please listen.

I say its time to drive. If you can’t get there from here by car then maybe you should just choose another destination.

Do you remember the ban on sharp objects after 9-11?

Notice how we so willingly take our soap and shampoo out of our carry-on?

Off with the shoes is now second nature and of course the belts are already in the tubs.

What’s Next?

Security Level Brown! Stop and Drop! Rubber-Glove Police!

Business trips will now be the domain of employer’s least favorite underling. Paper, Rock, Scissors to see who has to fly to Vegas, losers get ready to pack your bags and well, you understand.

This wasn’t a mastermind plan by the bad guys to blow stuff up but physiological warfare to see all infidels with their exposed buttocks in the air preparing for take off!

Honestly, this is war and we may have just become the butt of a million jokes in Arabic.

Silence, I search you!

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

Raising Cain

I've been pondering the phenomenon that is Herman Cain. He's all over the headlines. Allegations of sexual harassment from the 1990's continue to haunt him. But he's still a huge force in the Republican presidential race...

...Cain now ties Mitt Romney as the leader for the GOP presidential nomination in USA Today/Gallup polling conducted Nov. 2-6. Each got 21% support from Republicans nationwide. Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry followed, with 12% and 11%, respectively, in the survey of registered Republican voters...

...Cain is a Memphis-born businessman, newspaper columnist and talk radio host. This is his first big run for office and it's a high stakes game indeed. He's been riding on charisma thus far. But charisma only gets you so far. At least with me. I guess my biggest concern with Herman came when he revealed himself as being frighteningly unaware of China's status as a nuclear power...

...In a published interview, Cain said that part of China's threat to the United States comes from its attempts to develop nuclear weapons -- even though China tested its first nuclear weapon in 1964. I think a presidential candidate should know that. Well, maybe not the date. But... the fact that China has The Bomb? On yeah. You gotta know that one to make my first cut...

...So... I keep pondering the phenomenon that is Herman Cain. How did he rise so high so fast? How is he staying neck and neck with Romney...while defending himself against almost daily accusations of sexual misconduct. I think the answer is simple. Cain is not Mitt Romney...and Republicans are desperately looking for someone who isn't Romney...

...There's just something about Mitt. This is his second run for the White House and he's still not generating a groundswell of support. Sharing a 21-percent share of those polled with a relative newcomer isn't the mandate that Romney hoped for. I often kid that Mitt's Mormonism might not fly with the Christian fundamentalist bigwigs in the GOP. But there may be some truth to it. It will be very interesting to see how Cain weathers the storm of allegations...and to see if Romney can take advantage of his opponent's...distractions...

-- Mark Bedford

"The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind."

-- "Gordon Gekko" (Michael Douglas), "Wall Street" (1987)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about greed lately. I'm sure part of

it is the recent flurry of "Occupy" rallies across the world. There has been a lot of emphasis on the 99% of Americans who own and run most of the country. Part of it comes from recently watching the excellent documentaries, "Capitalism: A Love Story" and "Inside Job." Both do a good (but still sad) job of describing how our economy got into its current mess. And then, today (Tuesday), I see the tragic news about the impending divorce of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. The headline-hungry pair will be untying the knot after just 72 days of marriage. Their lavish wedding cost $10 million and was watched by over 4 million (hopelessly bored) people...

...On the one hand, it can be reasonably argued that the rich can do anything they want to do with their money. It's hard to argue against that. "Success," in its former definition, has been hijacked from the common vocabulary and replaced with a success scoreboard that focuses on net worth and property. Gone are the days when cops, teachers and the like are commonly thought of as heroes to America's youth. Most kids today want to grow up to be rich...

...Some will say that the "Occupy" movement and other recent protests are simple examples of class envy. And there is probably some truth to that. But I do remember seeing one "Occupy" protester wearing a hand-painted sign: "I don't mind you being rich. I do mind you buying my government." Well put...

...My big issue with the institutionalized greed that has taken over our country is the way the "haves" keep rigging the game so they can have more. The subprime mortgage boom/bust and the rewriting of banking regulations so banks could sell high-risk derivatives are both good examples of how special interest groups were able to get laws changed so they could make more money. That kind of greed, for lack of a better word, is evil...

-- Mark Bedford

YO BOO!

Soon Halloween will have come and gone, at least for most of you out there and you will be moving on to Thanksgiving and then Christmas. For someone like me who runs a professional haunt Halloween is never far away. We are in the 15th season of Haunted Carnival at Sir Goonys and the planning has already begun for next year’s show. Matter of fact I will design parts of next years show as we pack up the props from this year, for us Halloween is only eight months away as we start building in July.

That’s the professional side of Halloween for me and it is a lot of hard work and fun. However, the down side is I have never been Trick or Treating with my kids because I work every Halloween, but I have lots of stories. In past years I have given you Halloween costume ideas and bad Trick or Treat Items.

This year I couldn’t decide so I give you:

Kahunaman’s Top 10 Bad Costumes and Treats.

Or my list of 10 Goofy Halloween Ideas.

10. Don’t give out Apples, Oranges or any fruit

As one kid explained “It’s Halloween, we want candy asshole”.

9. Dress like Prince William and then image your date has a butt like Kate’s sister Pippa. Not a good costume but a good fantasy for when you go home alone from the party.

8. Don’t hand out Raisins. Cut the Tree Hugger crap! Nature’s Candy is chocolate, ask any 8-year-old

7. Dress like the homeless guy on Spring Creek road with a cardboard sign reading “Let’s Be Honest, I Need Beer”.

6. Don’t hand out pickles wrapped in foil.

I bet they end up in you or your cars tailpipe.

Plus just how good will they be smelling the day after?

5. Wear a toilet seat around your head and suck on a cow pattie. If asked tell people you are “Full of crap” AKA a member of Congress.

4. Don’t give out Caramel Apples.

Not only will the kids not eat it, it ruins all the good stuff in their bag too.

3. Dress like Charlie Sheen, wear a shirt, a tie, a cool hat, smoke a cig and when asked who you are say “I forget”?

#2. Don’t give out “Canned Food”.

If you run out of candy please don’t go to the pantry and grab the Chili. You should have got off the couch and went and bought some candy. Nice thought, not! And you better pray your Alabama yard gnome survives the night.

And my number one stupid Halloween thought for 2011 is?

Well it was to dress as Dead Osama but President O warned against that in the ultra-liberal Huffington Post so we will stick with the dead guy, zombie look. Wear a hospital gown and carry a sign reading “Now serving number 350, 000,002”.

When asked, tell them “I am Obama Care Patient”.

Happy Halloween

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

This spicy, sports-laden broth will be full of unheard truths, whispered rumors and whimsical speculation. Any names used should be considered pure fabrication...

...The World Series is going on. On this Tuesday night, the pundits are still beating up on St. Louis manager Tony LaRussa. According to some, LaRussa's managerial error cost the Cardinals Game Five. I am not going to pretend I'm very interested in the Series this year. It's still hard to fathom that the Texas Rangers are representing the American League in the WS. Wow...

...They're shortening the National Basketball Association season by about a month because owners and players can't negotiate their way out of the stalemate. I hope they deadlock their way into a year off...

...LSU and Alabama are perched atop the college football power rankings...and set to collide on November 5 in Tuscaloosa. This game has huge national title implications, obviously. But, more importantly, it has Southeastern Conference bragging rights implications. The SEC is the unarguable dominant college football conference and the top team in the league is usually playing in the national title bowl. I'm picking the Tigers to beat Bama on the road... but that could just be wishful thinking...

...I don't think it's too early for me to jump back on my "College Football Final Four" soapbox. I don't think the Bowl Championship Series folks will ever go for a tournament like that used in the Football Championship Series. But give me two weekends with the top four teams in the BCS poll and I'll give you a cleaner national champion than we get now. The top seed would play the fourth seed, while the second seed would play the third in the two semis. The two winners would then face up for the national title. One more weekend. A lot more fairness...

...Tennessee has been hammered by back-to-back losses to the Tide and the Tigers, as well as the loss of starting quarterback Tyler Bray to a thumb injury. It's definitely a "rebuilding" year for second-year coach Derek Dooley, who can but hope that the Big Orange boosters will give him time it will take...

...Here in Chattanooga, the Mocs are fighting for their season every week. Back-to-back-to-back losses to Appalachian State, The Citadel and Georgia Southern -- by a total of four points -- make every game a must-win down the stretch. Coach Russ Huesman still has the Mocs on track to "restore the glory," but an injury to starting quarterback B.J. Coleman has made things interesting...

...College football always gets interesting at this time of the year. College hoops is about to tip off. And I still hope the NBA deadlocks itself into oblivion...

-- Mark Bedford.

"They misunderestimated me."

I know that to many of you the above quote seems very much like a Kahunism but luckily this little gem is not mine but belongs to former President Bush and was made record in Bentonville, Ark. Nov. 6th, 2000. Mr. Bush quickly became a favorite of every late night talk host and malicious liberal hate hack in the country. Letterman is still doing it weekly and it has been what, three years since Obama came to save the world?

Bush was the classic example of what the ‘60s hippie movement called “The Man”, they had Nixon and we had Dubya.

I am not sure what the hippies in NY are pissed about they have their guy in office, he is liberal, he wants pretty much what they want and he is black. The sixties crew would have thought they had died and went to Valhalla had they had a guy as Liberal and black as our current leader.

Did I mention his name is Barak?

How freaking cool would they have thought that was?

Oprah almost had a full on “ When Harry Met Sally” moment during the mad Chi-Town dash known as the second coming, I mean inauguration. But the Liberals of 2011 just don’t seem happy no matter how much free Government Cheese we give them or how much weed they smoke.

Before you “Bleeding Hearts” start going all “Weather Underground” on me allow me to say if that Republican from Texas gets the nomination I will vote for your guy. I will “NEVER” vote for another Texan, I didn’t vote for the last one.

I like the “Godfather Pizza Guy” but he can’t win with his 9-9-9 plan, I guess I will predict the Mitt as the next President.

But fear not my friends of discontent there may be hope yet. How about the Conservatives cut loose a little and run someone with more flair?

How about “Flavor Fla”?

I could see Flava unveiling his new tax plan the 4.5-4.5-4.5 plan. “Same results in half the numbers”.

Too much even for me?

Okay, how about I prove my neutrality on this issue and I play Bash the Bush?

I will close today with a few of President Bush’s more memorable quotes.

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

So Flava, what you doin’ the next four years?

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

As I begin this, seven republican presidential hopefuls are getting ready to roll the dice. They're gathered in Las Vegas for an incredibly important debate. We're a little over a year away from the next presidential election and the primary season is already in full swing...

...Political pundits say that Mitt Romney and Herman Cain are polling pretty close to even. The CNN/ORC International Poll had Romney at 26% and Cain at 25%. Cain, a talk show host and former Godfather's Pizza CEO, has seen his support nearly triple since early September, when he was at a paltry 9%...

...Experts predict that Texas Governor Rick Perry is one more poor showing away from oblivion. According to the CNN/ORC poll, Perry is at 13%. He jumped to the top of the national polls after he launched his campaign on August 13, but has been slipping ever since. His poor showings in previous debates have put his campaign on the brink...

...I'm going to go off on a limb and say that the Republican nominee for president won't be either Romney or Cain. When all is said and done, Mitt Romney is still the same candidate who got hammered by John McCain the last time around. I would never discriminate against a man for his faith, but I still have a hard time believing that the more fundamentalist members of the pachyderm party will look past Mitt's Mormon roots. The discrimination will be subtle, but it will happen...

...Likewise, I don't see any way that Cain's campaign can sustain its short-term momentum. Herman is already having trouble explaining his "9-9-9" tax plan to anyone who's studied it. He's too independent for the GOP power brokers to handle. The people who stack the decks don't like wild cards. And, yes, it's hard to imagine an African-American as the Republican presidential candidate. But then... it was hard to imagine an African-American president... until we got one...

...So who will wind up carrying the GOP's hopes into the next presidential election? I have no idea. Both parties are suffering from major leadership vacuums. And I'm starting to think that isn't an accident. Barack Obama inherited a terrible economy, long-term wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and global instability. He'll either get another four years to try to set things straight... or he'll leave a bigger mess for the next guy than George W. Bush left for him. Now that is truly frightening...

-- Mark Bedford

 “At least the top 1% have jobs”.

I lean to the right as I straddle the Independent fence of politics and while I am a capitalist I must say that “Greed Is Good” is no longer as cool as it was when Michael D. said it in 1987.

The downtown Manhattan protests known as Occupy Wall Street (OWS) has continued to grow and to spread to other cities. After watching this closely since the beginning I have to ask “Who would have thought that these people would get out of their parents basements long enough to do anything”? I am no fan of hippies, dope heads or kids gathering in the name of a cause as an excuse that they are doing something constructive. Are things so bad we need an Arab Spring in America? NO! Do we need to take a long look in the mirror and get over ourselves? Yes! So maybe the last few years of hard times have made us ripe for change. Change does start in the streets, with ACORN or without, “CHANGE” usually starts in the streets.

The Conservative Tea Party protesters donned tri-corner hats and held rallies to protest government-run healthcare and bailouts, that’s better than sitting on your butt and they impacted things at least for a while.

The Occupy Wall Street protesters are primarily young liberals wanting to bring attention to "the 99%" who aren't controlling the nation's wealth. Some would say the Tea Party was more legit but what makes them so different, really? As long as it stays peaceful and forces the elitists to sit up and take note then, maybe there is a place for both movements. Nothing scares the ultra-rich more than a bunch of crazy poor people camped outside their mansions.

As I said I am more of a moderate so I can’t see me doing a Tea Party rally or smelling my way through an OWS gathering anytime soon.

However say what you want, smoking weed and camping out makes for a lot of creative time and in this case it has made for some crazy signs.

Some of the best signs from this “Hippies Gone Wild” event:

“I already regret carrying this sign around”.

“Ignore me, go shopping”.

“You may smell better but I can sleep at night”.

“Of course I walked here, I can’t afford gas”.

“1%s welcome, just bring toilet paper”.

“Woodstock was a bunch of drug using kids listening to music, there’s no music here”.

“Were not hippies were serious”.

“NYPD is one layoff away from joining us”.

“Pepper Spray Goldman Sachs”

“I am so pissed I made a sign”.

“I can’t afford an activist, I am the 99%”.

“Kiss my liberal ass”.

“People count more than counting money”.

“Please don’t step on the chalk art, I got arrested for it”.

“We may smell bad but Wall Street Stinks”.

And a huge banner hanging right outside the stock exchange saying “JUMP YOU FU$KERS”!

Hard for even me to argue with that one.

So while I am not sure these people are really serious about seeing America a better place they certainly know how to throw a street party.

Here is my sign

“If I push them will you guys get a job”?

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

The recent "Occupy Wall Street" protests have had a simultaneously galvanizing and polarizing effect. The rallies in New York have gotten tons of media coverage, as have similar (but smaller) efforts across the country. The organizers of the protests have shown shrewd marketing savvy in their "We Are the 99%" campaign, which borrows a bit from Michael Moore's contention that the richest 1% of Americans own 95% of country. The 99% campaign is an effort to rally those who feel left out or left behind by a government that caters to the desires of the millionaires and corporations who fund America's politicians...

...A lot of Americans (correctly, I think) feel that our country is slowly spiraling down the drain. They feel they've lost the country they grew up in...and lost the dreams of a better life for their children and grandchildren. In many cases, people feel they may be unable to survive in a country that seems to totally disregard their plights. While it's convenient to blame Barack Obama or George W. Bush for the national malaise, there is more than enough blame to go around. When I look for a place to point my own finger, I keep coming back to the fact that our executive and legislative branches have completely sold out to the big investment banks and other members of the so-called "financial services" industry. That's why the protesters are targeting Wall Street. It's where the thieves hang out... in plain sight...

...Most of the protests against the protests don't drill down to the root cause of the movement. In my social and social networking interactions, a lot of right-fringers seem incredibly pissed off at the very notion of protesters marching on Wall Street. One extreme Facebook poster suggested he could end the protests "with a Humvee, a .50 caliber and a couple of belts of ammunition." Really. Some Americans seem to forget that we are a nation founded by protesters. The women's suffrage movement, the Civil Rights movement and the Vietnam anti-war movement are just three examples of instances where large groups of protesters were able to influence and change national policy...

...Can the Occupy Wall Street protesters similarly influence our lawmakers? I'd like to believe so, but I have come to believe that we are in the middle of an American class war... and that the wealthiest 1% of us are making the rules up as they go along. Sadly, they have enlisted our Senators, Congresspersons and, yes, even our Presidents as their willing allies...

...I think we need more marching in the streets...not less. If you totally disagree with the "Occupy Wall Street" effort, organize your own  rallies to offer up alternatives. Complacency is the biggest enemy in these troubled times. We have seen the effects of doing nothing... and I just hope it's not too late for "something" to stop the big sucking sound coming from the metaphorical drain that threatens to swallow up the America we all grew up loving...

-- Mark Bedford

Trends & Predictions

I've always been fascinated by cultural trends. The fickleness of fashion. The way one technology comes along and completely replaces another. Those kinds of things. Remember those big stacks of VHS tapes we all used to have? (If you don't, I'll count you among Enigma's younger demographic.) I think I still have a couple of VHS cassettes left, even though I no longer own a device capable of playing them. Once DVDs came along, with their improved video quality, the ability to jump from scene to scene and those oh-so-cool "bonus features," VHS went the way of the buggy whip. Similarly, the advent of digital photography didn't quite kill the film, film processing and photo print businesses, but... they're all on life support...

...Many of the things we now consider commonplace would never have been predicted before they trended their way into ubiquity. If I had told some of my childhood friends that people would someday be willing to pay more for a bottle of plain old water than they did for a bottle of Coke, they would have looked at me like I was nuts. If I had predicted that people would wear flip-flops (what my dad used to call "shower clogs") out to dinner, they would have laughed in my face. It's amazing how the formerly unimaginable can become universally accepted. And thanks to the speed and power of the interweb, trends travel faster than ever...

...So much for stating what now seems so obvious. While pondering the nature of trends and how quickly they spread, I began speculating on some possible "trends of the future." Without further ado, here are some predictions:

* Shorts will get short again. Remember those short-shorts that you see in pictures of basketball players from the 70s and early 80s? Well, I think that look will eventually come back. Shorts have already gone to the opposite extreme. They can't get any longer or baggier without becoming "culottes." And basketball players can't drive to the hole in those hideous things. The only direction for shorts to go is up... up well above the knees and heading towards the nether regions...

* The leisure suit will make a big comeback. Ties are impractical anyway. We've already seen artificial fabrics make great strides in athletic apparel. Modern synthetic fabrics breathe better and last longer than wool or cotton. Can six-inch lapels and enormously-cuffed dress slacks be far behind? I think not. If you don't know what a "leisure suit" is, Google it...

* MySpace will make a comeback. I know... FaceBook is the social media format du jour. Google+ is a little blip on the radar. But I hear that "FaceSpace" will be the next big thing...

* Broadcast television as we know it will cease to exist. People are too busy to arrange their lives around network TV schedules. The internet has conditioned us all to become "pull" consumers of broadcast content, not content to wait for the networks to "push" their programming out to us. In the not-too-distant future, everything but live events and breaking news will be "on demand." This one is closer than you think...

* Digital devices will become an embedded part of humanity, instead of the portable accessories we now have. "Smart phones" keep getting smaller and more powerful. Tablets are replacing laptop computers. Follow this trend to its logical conclusion and it's only a matter of time before we can just install a chip into our brains that can connect us to the worldwide communications network, deliver "on demand" programming, and do other amazing things. Can you imagine never worrying about losing your phone? It will be awesome..

... Those are just a few of the things that your future will hold. I'll admit that some of them sound a bit crazy. But then again... I'm sure Neanderthal Man could never have imagined the airplane. Or deodorant, for that matter...

-- Mark Bedford

 “ I get sad when people replace face-to-face friendship with texting, when romance is stirred by acronym not a glance and when family conversation comes in the form of an electronic tone”.

The dictionary says that, “A handshake is a short ritual in which two people grasp one of each other's like hands, in most cases accompanied by a brief up and down movement of the grasped hands”.

I get a look from my wife sometimes as if I am a hater when it comes to technology. I have earned it to a degree because I constantly bitch about how technology is the new cigarettes. Smokers are a drain on profits, when they aren’t sneaking off to smoke they are thinking about how or when to get a chance to. Smoking has cost America enough in lost productivity to pay the deficit off a dozen times over and it has just recently been dealt with in business settings.

Telephones should be next! Angry Birds can affect your corporate bottom line as much as abused expense accounts.

When I see people with phones growing out of their ears or hot spotting my network believing that they are giving me as much while on the phone as they could while truly focusing I get more than a little pissed.

That is the business side of me yet I adapt as all good business people must.

Personally I am even more of a technology hard ass.

I believe strongly that as much as technology has and will elevate society it will ultimately leave us less than we once were.

I take my construction crew out for a victory breakfast after recently completing a project, this was to be our “We came, we saw we kicked its ass” meal and instead half never conversed they just ate free food and surfed on their phones.

Maybe I have lost touch but how exactly do you build relationships based on that kind of passive vibe?

My wife and I had a big disagreement about her keeping up with Facebook during some of our very limited conversation times. Believe me I am quick to turn off the TV these days instead of multi-tasking a football game. I guess it’s the same but keeping up with a game seems much more important than keeping up with Miss Iamallaboutme posting “Eating at Taco Belle Yum yum”. Either way, I guess phones are at the very least the new television. They are awesome ways to entertain and inform but very much distract from personal contact.

To me conversation, eye contact and a sincere handshake are hard to replace. So for those of you like me or ones interested in actually trying this archaic form of communication here is some interesting info.

Dr. Gregory Stebbins has written a book that helps us understand the people side of sales which can be used in all kinds of daily living. This new found information may help you with the hidden messages from people.

Below are the Top 10 Handshake Types - and what they reveal about people.

1. Sweaty Palms – When a person is nervous their sympathetic nervous system often becomes overactive, sometimes resulting in sweaty palms. Do what you can to put this individual at ease or just say damn dude and walk away.

2. Dead Fish - Indifferent handshakes that feel like the person has no bones in their hand often indicate a passive or reserved personality. This handshake ranks as the number two least favored. Individuals with this type of clasp are generally not focused. Knowing this you can usually bet ladies that they are bad lovers and terrible poker players.

3. Brush Off – This handshake type is a quick grasp and then a release that feels like your hand being shoved aside. This handshake is a statement of “it’s my turf and my agenda that matters, yours doesn’t.” Listen first to what the person wants before calling them an a-hole and taking your ball and going home.

4. Controller – You feel your hand being pulled toward the person or strongly guided in a different direction, perhaps towards a chair. People who do this are controllers. This means they want to dominate any inanimate or animate object in the room (and that would include you). If your goals are different than theirs there may be challenges ahead. Do more listening than talking and see if you can find common ground so these individuals can control the situation toward your desired objective. File all emails from them under deuce-bag.

5. Politician – Your hand is firmly grasped as in a normal handshake. However, their other hand may cover yours or be placed on your forearm or shoulder. Unless the two of you are good friends, this is a form of false sincerity. The person is attempting to communicate that the two of you have a deeper relationship than you actually have. After receiving this kind of handshake, I recommend you check your pockets or purse to see if anything is missing. Similarly, be cautious about relying on this person’s word for anything and be attentive in your dealings with them. I disagree with the Doc on this one, sometimes people are just sincere.

6. Finger Vice – When someone grabs your fingers and not your entire hand it is meant to keep you at a distance. These people are often insecure. If they also crush your fingers they are adding a show of personal power, which is also designed to keep you at a distance or at least create some fear of challenging them. I wouldn’t recommend becoming submissive, however it will serve your purpose to be somewhat deferential to them. I always moan when they do this which quickly leads to them turning loose.

7. Bone Crusher – The message of squeezing your hand until you cringe is clearly designed to intimidate you. Even when the person may not know how strong they are, there is still a message of intimidation and power behind the grip. You don’t have to pretend to be a wimp with them, and, in fact, they may respond positively to you if you present yourself with strength. Just don’t get into a hand-squeezing contest when you shake because then it becomes a competition and even if you win, you’ll lose. Yeah, again Doc, but you win so what’s bad about that?

8. Lobster Claw – Like the claw of a lobster, the other person’s thumb and fingers touch the palm of your hand. The person doing this fears connecting at a deep level and may have challenges building relationships. Take your time. Allow them to open up at their own pace. As they become more comfortable with you their handshake may actually change. Once they fully accept you, they can become a client for life. Or maybe you can just catch them in the John and tap your feet three times. Shake or get off, that’s the rule, damn!

9. Hand Wrestler – Your hand is taken normally and then twisted under the other person’s. This is usually done aggressively. Be very careful in your own presentation as this person is absolutely committed to being on top, regardless of what they say they want. This a trait that I look for in all women dressed like they just stepped out of the “Hot for Teacher” video.

10. Teacup – This handshake feels normal except that there is no palm-to-palm contact. The other person’s palm is cupped, like a teacup. This handshake indicates that the person is hiding something from you. It might just be a serious case of shyness or it could be something more substantial. Always check for missing information when working with this individual or maybe you should just check for a vagina.

Now I am confused. After reading and remembering that so many people can’t even shake hands I am inclined to LMAO. How about this, maybe the same people who can’t get a handshake right are the same ones that don’t know when to use the phone and when to connect with the person beside them. For those people I say “grow a pair”. Yes women too, have you not been watching “Dancing with the Stars”?

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

First... a brief history lesson. The National Partnership for Reinventing Government (NPR) was formed in March of 1993. This interagency task force was established to reform the way government worked in the Clinton administration. At the time, it was prompted primarily by wasteful government spending. The notorious $436 hammer purchased by the Pentagon inspired Vice President Al Gore to come up with the "Hammer Award." This $6 hammer came with a ribbon and a framed note from Al. NPR was the 11th federal reform effort of the 20th century...

...It's time for a genuine attempt at reinventing our Federal government. And we're going to need a lot more than $6 hammers to get it done. I spend more time than most discussing politics. I argue policy and philosophy with friends and relative strangers. I am always happy to discuss issues with people whose opinion is different from my own. I can truthfully say that I have immense respect for informed and passionate views, regardless of their content. On the other hand, it drives me nuts when people say they don't vote and/or don't pay attention to the issues that impact their lives...

...During my informal and frequent polling of political opinions, I have noticed a trend. Regardless of their political orientation, more and more people have become convinced that our current form of government is ill-equipped to handle the economic and foreign policy issues that America now faces. It didn't happen overnight. But we let it happen. I am reminded of a well-worn analogy. If you drop a frog in boiling water, it will jump right out. If you put a frog in water and slowly let it come to a boil, it frog will stay put... with terminal results. We are a nation of frogs. Our politicians have slowly turned the burner up on us... and it now seems impossible for us to jump out of the pot they have built for us...

...I got caught up on documentary DVDs a bit this summer. "Inside Job" and Michael Moore's "Capitalism: A Love Story" both left me sick to my stomach. The former details the $20 trillion dollar bank robbery that was cleverly disguised as a "bailout" of several financial institutions. The latter featured interviews with several senior-level Catholic priests (including the Bishop of Chicago) who agreed that "capitalism" as often practiced today is a "sin." I am not going to go that far. I am certainly not a "socialist." But I am convinced that the "financial services" industry has virtually hijacked our Federal government... and that it runs counter to the survival instincts of both Congress and the President (no matter who he happens to be at the time) to do anything about it...

..."Inside Job" traces the undue influence of investment banks and other financial services firms back to the first Reagan administration, when former Merrill-Lynch CEO Don Regan served as (first) Secretary of the Treasury and Chief of Staff. Regan was the primary architect of "Reaganomics" and "trickle-down economics." The theory was that tax cuts for the wealthy would benefit those less wealthy. The reality was that the tax cuts helped the wealthy become more wealthy.. .and the only thing that trickled down on the middle and lower classes was the metaphorical urine of the elite...

...I should add that Barack Obama has done nothing to distance himself from the investment bankers. He took big campaign donations from Goldman-Sachs and others. He has taken no steps to prosecute those whose greed brought Wall Street to its knees...

...Our political system is fundamentally broken. And the only people with the legal power to do anything about it are the ones who run it. What we need is the equivalent of a Third Continental Congress, a gathering of those outside our broken government... tasked with reinventing it. It's nice to imagine that something like that could happen. But I wake up every morning to the knowledge that the foxes are still guarding the henhouse... and the lunatics are still running the asylum...

-- Mark Bedford

“Life Experience, the new twenty”

That’s my new slogan.

Of all the things I have overcome in my life, the greatest one may just be that. Learning to quit asking, “What If”.

Life experience has saved me from that.

It’s a thinking thing, it’s an analytical thing, it’s a control thing, but it is mostly just a drain on your life energy.

So, I choose not to allow those two words to torment me today like they did in my youth.

The Beatles said: “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away”.

Not really.

Actually, yesterday all my problems seemed huge.

Yesterday or back in the day as I like to say, all my troubles were small compared to the ones I face today.

However, age seems to have its advantages when it comes to coping with so-called troubles.

If I could somehow package wisdom and sell it to the young, I would be rich.

Like a shady drug dealer I would hang out in the mall and offer free samples to all the kids who dress in the same embarrassing clothing that we wore 30 years ago.

Once they knew the peace that comes with life experience they would be hooked and happier. 

Young is great but so is every year after that if you have a  young-spirit plus experience makes life easier as you go.

I know it has for me.

Yesterday, I worried about losing my hair.

Today I have less but if I had none I would wear a cool hat.

Yesterday, I worried about buying a new car every three years. Today I hope that the car I buy will last three years after it is paid for.

Yesterday, I worried that I if I stayed in a relationship I was missing out on the next one.

Today I realize the trick is to find that relationship and work to keep it.

Yesterday, I was afraid I might accidentally become a daddy. Today I wonder why I waited so long.

Yesterday, I really needed people to think I was cool and to accept me.

Today, I don’t care what people think, I know where I have been, what I have done and more importantly who I am.

And I think I am still pretty cool and that is all that really matters.

However the “young” marketing executives are out to get me.

I mean they really are.

They show us a guy with a grey beard being rejected by a woman and say “No play for Mr. Gray” to sell us hair products. 

They even try and sell us pills with warnings about four hour erections.

A four-hour erection that can now be summoned any time over a 36 hour period.

Its like Boner-Hut, delivered on time or it’s free, hot and ready waiting for you!

Sorry guys, not interested, at least not yet.

Matter of fact I think a lot of this targeted marketing may miss completely because after 35 people should be smarter.

Maybe the marketing world should stick to selling cigarettes to kids.

Or keep pushing this week’s newest $500.00 telephone before it is free 6 months later with a pizza delivery.

Then again, have you seen these plastic surgery shows?

Maybe instead of wisdom I should keep searching for a bottle of water from that ever elusive “Fountain of Youth”.

Now that would sell!

Kahunaman Sez

AKA Dewayne Gass

“Video killed the radio star”.

    Some of the young guys I play basketball with think I am crazy because I am still a fan of CHR or Top 40 formats. Seems the music snobs think of me as an idiot and maybe their right, I have only been involved in music since 1979, what could I possibly teach a 22 year-old with an ipod?

A couple agreed that “Top Forty Music” is the music that defines time in most people’s lives. Those people recognize my logic.

Top Forty Music not only marks time for many of us but also tells a story about the time the songs were chart toppers.

Summer 2011 as every summer in my life has some great songs that I relate to good times. My little girl singing “California Gurls” on the beaches of Daytona, driving around A1A with the windows down to “Dynomite” and “Billionaire” and chillin with “Love The Way You Lie”. It is how my memories are connected.

Here is a story I wrote for you guys using song titles from Billboards Top 1000 Singles. Not only will you see that the song titles can make a story come to life but I believe many of you will put a tune with the title. You may find yourself remembering Who, When, Where and How you remember many of these songs.  Lets play:

AS THE RECORD TURNS

My name is “Mack The Knife”, I am an “Aquarius”, the “Owner Of A Lonely Heart” and while I “Truly” am “Addicted To Love”, it most “Always” involves “Bad Girls”. I guess you could say I am a “Wild Thing” who listens too much to my “Ding A Ling” “. “Brandy” sent me a t-shirt that says “You Give Love A Bad Name” and a note saying “Hit The Road Jack”.

So I did!

It was “Windy” and “Me and Bobby McGee” were working “Surf City”, somehow we knew we were in for “A Hard Days Night”. I mean “This Used To Be My Playground” but now it was more like the “Wild Wild West” and looking back I am “Amazed” that we didn’t go down in a “Blaze Of Glory”. It’s a “Cold Hearted” world and the “Southern Nights” of “Kokomo” mean you’re neither “Hangin Tough” or you get a “Ticket To Ride”. This job, well its “Dangerous” and the pay sucks. I could make more working at the “Car Wash” I barely can afford to live at the “YMCA” but I have always done things “My Way”. My “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” and every time I look at his “Photograph” I “Thank God I’m A Country Boy” because I remember “The Night Chicago Died”. And I “Stay” grasping at “The Promise Of A New Day” “Praying For Time” but knowing that “Our Day Will Come” because someone out there knows that “I Shot The Sheriff” and while “I’m Sorry” there is no amount of “Red, Red Wine” that can keep me from fearing “Sundown”. 

So back to the story about our “Joyride”. Just as we passed “Heartbreak Hotel” we see this “Joker” and thought maybe it was a good time for a “Shake Down” so we pulled over and Bobby said “Get Into My Car”. The guy looks over and says “That’ll Be The Day” and then it was on “Yakety Yak” and right as were about to be “Kung Fu Fighting” there appears a “Hot Child In The City”, a “Venus” I’m saying “Baby Got Back”! So I looked at Bobby and said “Hold On”, that is “Unbelievable”, Bobby agreed so I looked her in the eyes and said “I Need You Tonight”! She looked over and said “Creep” “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”? 

I was like “Whats Love Got To Do With It” you’re my “Fantasy”, “You’re The One That I Want”, my “Red Light Special” a “Freak Like Me”, come over here to “Big Poppa” “I’m Strong Enough” I will give you some “California Love”.

“Wannabe” she Screamed, “Bitch” back at you. I’m an “Independent Woman” I don’t settle for “Scrubs”, I knew it was time to get “Smooth”, so I turned on the “Sad Eyes”. Don’t be “Cold Hearted Baby”, I was “Blinded By The Light” of your beauty. I just want to get “Close To You”, I want you to be “My Girl” and I have “Mony Mony”. So bring that “Rump Shaker” over here and stop “Causing A Commotion”.

We’ll I guess “Every Rose Has Its Torn” because before I could get my “Hands To Heaven” they were being cuffed. Yep, that “Dirty Diana” was an “Undercover Angel” she knew about the Sheriff and before I knew it I had the “Folsum Prison Blues”. I guess I spent my “Money For Nothing” but what can I say my “Centerfold” was a “Maneater” and so is my cell mate. At the risk of being “The Coward Of The County” all I can really do is say “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me”. There’s no “Sweet Dreams” for me, I keep sending her letters asking “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” she says Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye”.

I guess that’s my story about my “Fantastic Voyage”.

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

Note to everyone.

Go check out The Chattanooga Football Mocs!

I really wasn't going to write about this. Lord knows there were enough "tributes" to the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks on our country. Facebook and other social media outlets were filled with comments about it. So I wasn't going to write about it. But I was so disappointed in so many of the surface level, trite, uniformed and myopic opinions that I just had to kick in my .02 worth... even if I annoy some people...

...Let me start out by saying that I have almost every passionate emotion that a lot of others expressed regarding the four coordinated 9/11 suicide attacks. I'm still angry. I'm still shocked. I'm still a little scared that it will happen again... and maybe worse next time. We've gone 10+ years without another major terrorist assault inside our borders. I'd like to think that our Federal Bureau of Investigation, Central Intelligence Agency, the relatively new Department of Homeland Security and the National Security Agency are doing a much better job of developing human intelligence ("humint") sources and cooperating with one another. But my gut tells me that we've been both lucky and good...

...The 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were the first significant attack on the continental U.S. since 1812. (Hawaii wasn't a U.S. state until 1959 and isn't part of the "continental" U.S. anyway. And, yes, I know about those little skirmishes during World War II.) As a country, we allowed ourselves to believe we were "10 feet tall and bulletproof." No American will ever think that again...

...One of our tragic and deadly sins, as a nation, is "pride." Americans can be so proud of their country that some say they "don't care" what the rest of the world thinks of us. Many U.S. citizens are sadly ignorant of world events and America's role and image in other countries. We tend to think of the 9/11 attacks as an isolated incident, rather that the biggest part of a decades-long (and ongoing) conflict between "the West" and the Muslim/Arab world. "We don't undertand the Arab world at all," I heard MSBC "Hardball" host Chris Matthews proclaim during a keynote speech. "They're still pissed off at us for the Crusades." We have such a relatively brief history compared to a lot of the rest of the world...

...We have spent generations helping Arab dictators plunder their petroleum resources at the expense of their own people. We have shown little or no regard for civilian casualties in our "War on Terror." According to WikiLeaks, there have been "104,924 recorded Iraqi deaths, including 92,003[5] (or 66,081[6]) civilian deaths" (and this total was from January 2004 through December of 2009). There were a little less than 3,000 deaths as a result of the 9/11 attacks... including the hijackers themselves. I am still sickened by the images from the World Trade Center. We all remember those pictures of the people who jumped to their deaths rather than be incinerated by burning jet fuel. But I am just as sickened by a U.S. foreign/military policy that places a lesser value on the deaths of non-Americans...

...So many of the Facebook posts I saw last week were simply online flag waving. And that's fine. Patriotism is a good thing... usually. A lot of people swore they'd "never forget" 9/11. And I don't think anyone should. But I will add another admonition: Always remember. Always remember that the actions of our government trigger responses from other countries and (as we learned so painfully) splinter terrorist groups. I am absolutely not justifying the actions of the Al Quaeda terrorists who shook our country to its foundations a little over 10 years ago. But we cannot continue to overlook what motivates those who will gladly give their lives to strike a blow against America...

-- Mark Bedford

 “What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you gave thanks for today”?

I was recently reminded of this thought and for the first time in my life I realized that I would be in great shape. Not that I have been an ungrateful person in the past but these days I find myself so blessed that it just comes out.

We live in a pessimistic society and with the internet there seems to be more bitching than ever before. Facebook gives people who like to complain a twenty-four-hour forum to bitch creatively.

I am not a very active facebooker, if facebooker or bookering is even accurate? I have a few friends on there, I never post “sitting at Taco Belle, Yum Yum”. That is why I don’t tweet or tweeter or whatever,

I don’t think anyone really cares if “its great to spend Sunday morning in the john with People Magazine”. Plus it is way too easy to put your foot in your mouth, instant is never best in coffee or comments so I give my temper a chance to chill before writing this piece and telling the world my business. If your getting it, I planned it that way.

Back to the quote above and the topic of giving thanks or being thankful. First off I believe being thankful is a very positive thing and one far too many people assume but may not truly experience.

Most of us would say “yes I am thankful for what I am blessed with”. I believe most people really are thankful once they start thinking of life without the things that are important to them.

The question is how often do we really think of these things?

The 10 year anniversary of 9-11 is sure to provoke some thoughts about God and Country.

The tough economic times make us all realize how delicate our lifestyles can be.

When we hear as I did this week of a friend who has suddenly fallen severely ill we can all quickly feel blessed to have health.

Seeing sick children can make we parents quickly give thanks and so it goes, from giving thanks that it wasn’t our house crushed by the tornado to our car starting after leaving the headlights on.

Don’t get me wrong those are without a doubt times worthy of giving thanks but let the Kahunaman let you in on a secret.

I have found and strongly believe that every day, every minute of every day is better if you do one thing. No, pills and booze are not my secret.

My secret is. Be Thankful! Wait there is more. Don’t just be thankful but, give thanks.

To who?

To whomever you believe it should be given to.

Thank your spouse, thank your children, thank your friends.

Thank your employees or your boss.

Thank God, whatever that means to you.

Don’t do it because you think God is sitting there counting your thankful prayers waiting to ring up your lottery numbers.

Don’t do it out of fear of losing what you have.

Do it out of the joy and celebration of what you have in your life.

Do it not for God but for you. I have found that being thankful and actually giving thanks for what we have makes it real, makes it better.

Swallow down a lunch and it may taste good and nourish you but give honest thanks for that meal and it becomes much more than a lunch. It will feed your soul and help you through your day.

I am not preaching to you I am passing on something that has made my life better. If I found a pecker pill that really worked I would share the news so why not pass this feel good news to you as well.

Maybe giving thanks needs a “Smiling Bob” type of character to get more people to try it. Come to think of it ole Bob might need to try my system, he sure seems to have found something worth giving thanks for.

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

This is dedicated to my buddy, Mike. Get well soon my friend.

Recharged & Rambling

I'm typing this on a Tuesday night after one of those Tuesdays that felt like a Monday. Three-day weekends will do that to you. But they're worth it. I have several friends who work four-day weeks. Three-day weekends have become their norm. I envy them...

...I spent the past weekend in Cookeville with my best friend and (thus far) unindicted co-conspirator, FM. While his initials have been absent from my column for a while, we have a long and colorful history. Several of our adventures (edited, of course) have been

detailed in these pages. Ours is one of those friendships that can just pick up where it left off. It had been months since we had hung out, but it was like resuming a conversation from five minutes earlier. My godson and his brother were also on hand for our boys' weekend. Everyone was a little run down and hoping to recharge their "batteries."...

...FM was eager to show off his recently completed man cave. We watched the first Saturday of college football on his 10-foot projection screen while eating amazing smoked tenderloin sandwiches and chasing them with ice-cold Rolling Rocks. Like most southern football fans, we toggled between the LSU-Oregon game and the Georgia-Boise State game. Les Miles' Tigers were impressive in dispatching the Ducks, while Mark Richt's new-look Bulldogs got manhandled by the Idahoans...

...We swam and bobbed in the brand new pool. We stayed up late and slept even later. The boys wore out the controllers on their PS3. On Sunday morning, we drank a few screwdrivers. We talked a little about politics. Though FM and I often disagree on political topics, we find ourselves on the same page lately. We're disgusted with our whole political system and wishfully thinking of a revolution that would replace it. We want term limits, but know that our elected representatives will never enact them...

...The three days passed too fast. I came back to yet another big storm. A giant tree fell across the street in front of my house. Why can't we get a "normal" rainstorm any more? But even though there is still power out in some neighborhoods, my batteries are recharged and I'm ready to face another crazy week...

-- Mark Bedford

After a long and agonizing wait, college football season is upon us. To say it has been a tumultuous off-season would be a huge understatement. First Ohio State and, more recently, Miami, were hit with major scandals. Closer to home, the University of Tennessee pretty much dodged a bullet after a two-year NCAA investigation concluded that "evidence was insufficient to support findings of major violations." Enough already. Let's tee it up and play some football...

...Our hometown Chattanooga Mocs open this season with this Saturday's "money" game vs. Nebraska in Lincoln. No matter how it turns out, the Cornhuskers will cut a nice big check to the Chattanooga athletic department. Such matchups between big schools and not-so-big schools are not as common as they once were. In the Bowl Championship Series era, teams that think they can contend for a national title know that their opponents' won-loss record and strength of schedule can wind up having an impact. Top-tier teams have stronger schedules than ever...

...On paper, Saturday's game should go the Cornhuskers' way. Fourth-year head coach Bo Pelini has a 30-12 record and has guided NU to nine or more wins in each of his first three seasons. The Huskers are a team on the rise. But so are the Mocs. Former Moc linebacker Russ Huesman is 12-10 after two years and led Chattanooga to back-to-back winning seasons for the first time since 1990-'91. The Mocs 5-3 Southern Conference record in 2010 were Chattanooga's most league wins since 1985. The Mocs are ranked in both pre-season polls, #21 in the Sports Network/Fathead.com Top 25 and #23 in the FCS Coaches Top 25. (The first time they've made the preseason rankings since 1992.) Unfortunately, Nebraska is ranked as high as 10th in the BCS pre-season rankings...

...Again, Nebraska should win this game. Playing in historic 81,081-seat Memorial Stadium is sure to be a bit intimidating for the Mocs. But everyone remembers Appalachian State's historic 2007 34-32 upset win at Michigan. The Wolverines were ranked fifth at the time. Nebraska is the first Big 10 team the Mocs have played, but not the first big time team they have faced. I remember games in the 1980s against Vanderbilt and Alabama. Back in 2008, they traveled to Oklahoma. The challenges of such "David vs. Goliath" matchups are obvious. Typically, the bigger schools wear down their "money game" opponents with superior size, speed and, perhaps most importantly, depth. But Appy State's "Miracle in Michigan" gives hopes to all of the other Davids out there...

...Mocs' senior wide receiver Joel Bradford is a consensus pre-season All-American after netting a school-record 1,284 yards last year. Senior quarterback B.J. Coleman is on the Walter Payton Award watch list for the FCS Offensive Player of the Year after throwing for 2,996 yards and 26 touchdowns in 2010. Bradford and Coleman were high school teammates at McCallie and have an uncanny ability to connect. I expect them to be able to get some yards in Lincoln. The key for the Mocs will be on defense, where they will face Nebraska's corn-fed offensive line. Fortunately, defense is Huesman's forte...

...I'm going to go out on a really huge limb and predict that this game will closer than a lot of people think. Do I expect the Mocs to beat Nebraska in Lincoln? Um... no. But I expect Chattanooga football to continue its Huesman-era climb. The Mocs host Jacksonville State next weekend...

-- Mark Bedford

Like the quote above I think birthdays are awesome. I would much rather have a party and eat some cake each year than attend one very expensive and very final gathering where I don’t get to eat anything at all.

It isn’t my birthday and I am not having a middle age crisis, matter of fact I am twenty pounds lighter than I was twenty years ago, I played basketball twice this week and its 2am, I am at my business working on a 16 hour day.

Really folks, I’m good.

However, seems there is always a however, I did have an epiphany this week. At least I think it was one of those, GOOGLE, wait and yeah, it was definitely an epiphany.

Many of my friends, several younger than I in years just sent their kids off to college this weekend.

I just bought my first born a new dress for Kindergarten.
One of best friends youngest was just named a scholarship recipient to Medical school.

My youngest was the proud recipient of some Sponge Bob underpants.

My cousin said I had better be at Kindergarten orientation so they would know me or I would need a note before they would release my little girl to me after school. That is real damned funny cuz.

I feel about the same as I did in my twenties. I think as young but enjoy the little things more. I can run on a court for hours but I have to admit getting out of the floor kind of sucks.

Other than that floor setback I move long undaunted by the number on the calendar and then somebody comes along and slaps a dose of periodic reality in my face, very uncool.

The phrase uncool may have just slapped me a bit too but only because so many people I know went out and reproduced so young. What are you people, Romeo and Juliette?
I was a kid at 32 so why would I want to procreate at that age?

It does seem a bit crazy that my AARP card came in the mail before my PTA card but then again PTA membership doesn’t get you discounts on steel-belted radials.

My wife just celebrated her thirty-second birthday and she could care less. She is a beautiful person with a beautiful outlook on life. Her philosophy as she is quick to tell me “As long as you are around, I will look damned young”.

Thanks baby I was beginning to feel a bit old and useless.

The epiphany thing kind of sucks, you guys should avoid it. Its over rated!

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

This week’s piece marks my 1,200th published article.

I had seen this coming for a while and had planned on writing my most “Dazzling” work to date. As my buddy Big Ed said “twelve-hundred, that’s a hundred dozen”.

Maybe “Dazzling” will come next week?

I am not sure anyone gives a crap about this milestone but it is what it is.

Not being negative but none of my work has appeared in Time, Newsweek or Maxim.

Most of my work has been local unless you count that letter about the girl in Tampa that I sent to Penthouse and it was mostly fiction and I didn’t use my real name.

Sorry, as I was saying, I have been honored to contribute to several weekly publications and an occasional trade piece for the Entertainment Industry such as Night Club and Bar Magazine.

I am not saying that I am some hotshot writer but I have kept track over the years simply because I am an old jock and sports guys always keep score.

Did I mention that I have been The Moc Maniac at 453 UTC games?

See I keep score. Most of you are probably saying I am surprised he can count.

As you can tell I write a bit unorthodox.

I have been told that it is okay since I mostly write satirically. The first time I heard that I replied “No, I mostly print and then type it out”. Some say I open my mind and let whatever is there spill onto the paper.

I would say that is closer to the truth.

Some have said I say I too much. I is Kahunaman and this is what I have to say, hence Kahunaman Sez.

I have put a lot of words to paper over the years and as I have said many times “This isn’t Rocket Science”.

You see, thanks to you guys who read my rantings, I am conflicted on a weekly basis.

You folks through email messages and random meetings on the street let me known what you think about my pieces, good and bad and you “tell” me what you want more of.

Don’t get me wrong it is always an honor to know that you are out there, it would really suck to write this quality material and to think no one was reading.

It is also a little scary to know that you really read this stuff but still an honor.

The problem is you all seem to want something different. I have been told to.

“Open up more like you do when you write about your kids, it shows your heart”.

“Stop writing like Pee Wee’s Prison Bitch, we want the Kahuna”.

“You have skills if you would not joke so much, potty mouth”.
“I like your article best when you start with a joke, it sets the table for the rest of the piece”.

“We need more community news”.

“Kahunaman you were originally the Enigma Media Insider why did you stop”?

“Dewayne, the article you wrote about the homeless was dead on. Maybe the Free Press should get you to write for them, we need more commentary like that”.

“I don’t drive 10 miles out of my way every week for an Enigma to read your views on politics. Stick to what you do. Make me laugh in the toilet at work”.

See why I am conflicted?

Trying to write for you guys is like having sex with my wife when she’s been drinking. Faster! Slower. Harder! Easier. Yeah, Yeah, NOOOOO!

Now you know why I really shouldn’t just sit down and let the words rip.

However it is my goal to please all of you that I can so here goes.

A hooker asked a cop “How do you think you can arrest me for selling condoms for a hundred bucks? The cop said “It’s not the hundred dollar condoms, it’s the free booty you’re giving away with every purchase”.

I did run into a long time female friend of mine the other day, her words, you still writing all that crap about women in Enigma? I was afraid of what came next but with a grin she said “Dewayne, you and I have fought like an old married couple for years but we always make up”. True “Man-Hater” we have and we do always make up. However, unlike a married couple our reconciliation has never included whip Cream and candle wax. So you don’t get my house if I write a little more crap, Bang!

Now I feel like I have another hundred dozen in me!

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

BATS! They haunt you on Halloween and suck all of your blood. No wait, that’s vampires. They swoop down and attack you! Get in women’s hair and lay eggs. They will make a Zombie of all who are in their presence. “Divert thine eyes or surely you will burn in hell” In fact, folklore and wives tales all throw negative connotations on bats. But why are they among us?

How many times this stifling hot/humid summer have you mumbled, “the mosquitoes are horrible this year”!! Worse than normal you say? Well in fact, you would be correct. It is a known fact that mosquitoes carry diseases not only to humans, but to our domestic animals as well. Ever wonder why ‘all of the sudden’ our area is inundated with all sorts of pesky creatures? Would you believe a fungus?

Yes, a fungus: Geomyces Destructans (also known as white nose syndrome, WNS). First we need to recognize and make note that ecosystems consist of living organisms and their interactions with the environment are paramount to a balanced ecosystem. So what does this have to do with blood sucking bats? WNS is a newly identified and acknowledged for disrupting our local ecosystem. Ecosystem services are the benefits obtained from the environment that increase human well-being. It is postulated that bats play important roles in arthropod suppression as well as many other valuable roles within our ecosystem services. Or let’s say “Bats eat mosquitoes”!

The delicate balance of bats to mosquitoes has been and continues to be interrupted. Entire colonies of bats have been terminated in staggering numbers. Why? WNS. Not only locally, but WNS is spreading across the United States. WNS, geomyces destructans. WNS infects the bats during early hibernation. Once infected, a white fungus begins to grow on the nose of the bat. Once hibernating has begun, the white fungus begins to multiply and itch the bat, awaking the bat during the frigid winter months and the awaking along with the itching expends the energy stored, causing premature disruption of hibernation. Affected bats will stray out of the cave in search for further nutrition. Once out in the elements, the bats will either freeze to death or starve due to lack of nourishment from itching. Oh goodie! No more blood sucking vampire bats haunting us and disrupting our summertime outdoor activities. No more rabies, egg laying in women’s hair…common blah blah folklore.

Research has traced the fungus back to European bat colonies. But amazingly, the fungus has little to no effect on the European bat colonies. Noted bats from Europe have different environments and not such drastic environmental changes. Bats are larger and remain in hibernation much infrequently than their American counterparts. Even the most vulnerable of bats have a greater chance of surviving WNS than do their American counterparts.

Good! I say let’s get rid of all of those bats and their diseases. In fact, mosquitoes carry many more diseases and are much more harmful to our society. Besides, who likes to scratch in public? Certainly not us or the bats.

How can we help? Many agencies have researched and published many articles pertaining to the transmission of the fungi. All with similar results. Although proven bat to bat transmission is common and likely the causative means of transmission, it has not been ruled out the transmission from humans to bats. Knowing the common habits of fungi, it is very likely spores will adhere to clothing/equipment of cavers and without proper decontamination procedures lay dormant for extended periods of time. Without a proper host, spores can continue to pose issues once introduced into favorable conditions. Spores are very difficult to inactivate. A single spore can withstand many environmental changes and with little environmental encouragement, activate and reproduce in an astounding short period of time.
Once the fungi has been introduced into a colony, widespread devastation is common and spreads rapidly to other nearby colonies. Despite all the efforts and research, this deadly disease continues to spread and infect hundreds of thousands of bats. Leaving our delicate ecosystem vulnerable to catastrophic devastation. And our local bats fall prey to untimely and devastating demises.

This devastation leaves mosquitoes without a natural nemesis. Only to multiply at a rate only a rabbit would envy. If you have ever spent the summer in a secluded area in Maine, you would get the idea of what it would be like in our area. Mosquitoes travel in ‘pods’ or ‘clouds’ (for lack of a better word). Hundreds of thousands group together and reek havoc in your hair and clothing. Inhaling/swallowing mosquitoes is a common activity. Worse than a cloud of gnats for sure.

I say ‘save the bats not the mosquitoes’!

Education is by far the greatest defense. If you would like to help or desire more information, please visit these links.

National Speleological Society : www.caves.org /affiliate organizations

Bat Conservation International www.batco.org

USFWS: http://www.fws.gov/endangered/

Southeastern Cave Conservancy Inc. www.scci.org

- Ginger B Bankston

First and foremost, I don’t really consider myself a “journalist.” Not any more, at least. I don’t mind hiding behind the Constitutional protections granted to a “free press,” but I am basically a columnist these days. I try (successfully, on most occasions) not to burden my columns with an undue amount of factual material...

...But I have a lot of respect for “real” journalists. Members of the so-called “fourth estate” have a responsibility to the public. Journalists should keep our governments (and those who govern) in check. They should look out for the public interest. They should maintain the “watchdog” role that is the main reason they are granted those Constitutional protections...
...Unfortunately, we have fewer and fewer watchdog journalists... but more and more shady characters who need watching. Every year, our major television news organizations cut back on their employee numbers. The same thing happens in our print media. I have two friends who both worked for the same newspaper in North Carolina. Two years ago, the paper had about 250 employees. Today, it’s down to about 75. One of my friends kept her job. The other didn’t. Here in Chattanooga, there are a handful of old-school Times and News-Free Press reporters left on the merged staff. Most of the current newspaper employees are new kids, though...

...Chattanooga was rated the 86th largest television market by the last two Nielsen surveys. We don’t always get entry-level TV reporters in our city, but a lot of times we do. I used to joke that Chattanooga television talent always moves on right when they figure out how to pronounce “McCallie” and “Lafayette.” I like to pick on TV reporters because so few of them do any “reporting.” To be fair, it doesn’t take much digging to come up with three or four minutes’ worth of content. I still think most local TV reporters do most of their research by thumbing through the morning paper, but that’s just print media bias shining through...

...The dramatic decline in the number of print and electronic media journalists does not bode well for our country. I was talking about the Watergate scandal with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. We both wondered if the Washington Post has the head count these days to take on a major investigative series such as the Watergate break-in and the ensuing cover-up. Our conclusion? Probably not. There is something simultaneously scary and sad about that...

— Mark Bedford

Okay, so maybe you can but the problem is there isn’t a lot of funny around these days. Unless you consider Chelsea Handler or that Bill Maher guy funny. Sorry for you if you do.

It’s a hundred degrees out, gas is almost four bucks a gallon, Congress almost defaulted on America’s Sears card and this President is as lame as the last.

No, there isn’t a lot of funny floating around. Or is there?

Actually there is a lot of funny swirling around in the form of the BS we all are forced to face every day. The problem is there is no one around to magically turn the BS in to laughter.

That guy died two years ago! George died.

If you don’t know who George is then I can’t help you, but take my word for it, George is dead and George was funny.
George was a master writer, had a great stage presence, was a rebel and maybe even, a genius.

George was an abuser of alcohol and drugs during his life and despite those vices he had one of the longest show business careers of all time.

George could take the BS were in today, mix it with some reason and reality and BANG, magic comedy pudding.

George was a good comedian, a very, very good comedian.

However, George was a great observer!

Comedy is a passion and to become really good at it you must sell-out to it, it must consume you. Every moment of your day you are looking for that next big bit, constantly watching people trying to find that common fluke that we all relate to and can laugh at.

George was a master of that.

Comedy is not especially glamorous or profitable for most but George found a way to be rich and famous for decades.

The 45 to 120 minutes under the lights on a night when you own the room are all it takes to make you crave for more.

On the same note, those can be 45 minutes of pure hell when the room is cold and it is “just not your night”.

I am sure George experienced that bad side but most of the world never saw it because George lived on the road and it is by being on the road, on the stage after countless hours behind a keyboard that George perfected the not so perfect art of comedy.

My first night on a comedy stage wasn’t really all that tough for me since I had been performing in front of people for 15 years without the title of comedian. I had been an emcee at events for a living since I came out of school and I was a good emcee because I was funny and quick. As an emcee people were dazzled when you ended up making them laugh their ass off because they didn’t expect it, so it was easy to me.

However when you step up on a comedy stage, people expect funny, they paid for funny and by Golly you better damn well be funny or the cold bite of silence will soon be wrapped around you like getting caught with a hooker at church homecoming.

George made a name for himself introducing the seven dirty words you can’t say on TV.

Was it blue, yes, but funny as hell. And it was presented as if it was the opening to a great work of literary art.

Many of his bits were incredible but George and my sense of what is right and wrong didn’t mix well when he began to talk about God being a myth like aliens and Big Foot.

I am cool if that’s how he or you believe, but I couldn’t sit and listen to him later in his career.

He hated Christians! He thought we were all a bunch of blind dumbasses drinking the Kool-Aid.

So if I can’t sit and listen to George Carlin say what I know is hate speech, how could Barack Obama do it for 20 years? George would have asked that.

George is dead and if he had time before he left this life I wonder if he rethought his God Bashing or if he died hating?

I would have paid good money to hear that explanation and while I am not sure how much of a sense of humor God has towards people who denounce him, I am sure George put on the show of his life.

Just like Barack did with every public appearance before his election.

Judgment Day is November 2012 Mr. Obama, Good Luck.

I only wish George were here right now to point out the obvious about what we are living through and probably don’t even realize is as funny as the seven words.

Today must be funny because every time I look at the news I use all seven of them.

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass

The second time I saw a similar story it was a good reminder about just how much my wife does for our family even though she works.

The next several years the story has been done has just kind of pissed me off. It’s an interesting exercise to calculate the cost of replacing these women with hired help, but it shouldn’t be taken too far. The 2011 number is $134,000.00.

Now I know what you’re thinking and please feel free to write me at The Kahunaman is still a pig dot com or you can just write and tell me like you have before that these kinds of articles are why I will never write for the Free Press or even The Pulse. Sorry Lesbo-man-haters out there you are wrong, AGAIN! I more than appreciate and recognize the value of a great mom and wife.

My wife works 40-50 hours a week helping me run our businesses, takes care of our 3, 5 and 12-year-old children and does most of the things listed above. What is she worth? I would say not a penny over, priceless. And that doesn’t even count the sexual services which depending on whether you’re in Chattanooga or Vegas could vary immensely and push the total way past any previous estimates, especially considering my appearance and the noises I make. But back on point.

Kahunaman you just contradicted yourself?
No! I would be cool if Aunt Bea from Mayberry or some professional Super Soccer Mom was presenting this research as a salute but this isn’t the case.

I hate that these pieces seem to always be presented by some Femi-Nazi, anti breeding, anti marriage female with an agenda. Women who walk around with an elitist attitude similar to some of the pot smoking coffee drinkers on Frazier Avenue acting like anyone not wearing hemp isn’t worth being in their presence.

So I am a little less liberal than some who write around town, it’s called the right for a reason. Even though I am really more a fence straddler if you average me out. On this issue, I HATE LIBERAL ASS HOLES!

I believe a lot of these women do these stories more as a mockery of moms and the choices they have made than a celebration of their many daily achievements. It feels a little more than condescending to put a price on the daily survival of the family unit without saying somewhere in there that many women feel completed by these tasks. Remember the nurturer role of the species? Why is it always laid out as a stock report or as a humanitarian rescue project? You would think it was a piece out the Middle East on arranged marriage or genital manipulation. Sorry it’s not a national emergency. Is it tough being a stay at home mom? Damn straight it is. Is it tough being a working Super Mom? Sure it is! But it’s tough being a single mom or a lesbian mom. Its tough being single and alone, someone has to earn, cook do laundry, janitor etc. Guess who?

Why is their never a story about how tough it is to be a working dad and husband? I work 60 a week, I coach, I hug, I tuck in, read stories, and work around the house. I make one hell of a human trampoline, give massages, act as chief of security and yes I am also a psychologist. Hey I am the bookkeeper at my house because the wife would never sleep if she had to add even one more thing to her plate, it’s plenty full. But no one is putting a price on dads worth and that’s cool with me, I am afraid Congress would find a way to tax it.

Families are the backbone of our country, be it traditional or otherwise.

Family means caring for the whole and putting the unit ahead of the one. In ancient times it meant survival, life. Today to many it still means life and an existence beyond a price tag. So with that said, how about a little understanding of the institution before trying to package it as a listing on Monster dot com.

Finally, Moms Rock! The good ones are priceless!

Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass
kahunamedia@hotmail.com