Dance Monkey Dance

Dear Rocco,
I’ve noticed that my teacher has been drinking a lot of coffee lately and I’m starting to worry about him. He’s mentioned in class that he drinks a couple cups before he heads off to school at 7, and I’ve seen him drink a whole pot of coffee before lunchtime. Even after that he still continues to brew more and more and drink it until school gets out at 4. He’s also has a one year-old son at home and he says he uses coffee to stay awake with him when he gets fussy. What’s your opinion on this? Do you think he is addicted? If so, should I try and help him out? What should I do?

Dear BB,
It could be a lot worse. He could be drunk like some teachers I used to know. Hell, look at the news. There are teachers out there that can’t keep their hands off their students – and I don’t mean in a disciplinary way. There are tons of addictions out there. There are some concerns over excessive use of anything. Depending on his genes the only problem he’ll have is stained teeth and bad breath. I’d be more concerned about your homework than the consumption of a hot beverage.

Dear Rocco,
I have been dating this guy online for a little over a year now. I feel like we have a strong connection. However, I have postponed to meet him face to face because I’m self conscious about my weight. I am afraid he won’t feel the same once he sees me in person. I know he has been really patient and understanding but I’m very afraid of rejection and humiliation. I know I should take a chance and meet him or else I will always wonder what I missed. But I’ve never had a boyfriend before and this is the first time I ever felt special to someone. I’m just so afraid I’ll lose him once we meet, what should I do?

Dear PS,
How do you know that he’s a prize? The fact you guys met on line mean more than likely neither on of you is a catch – no offense. I realize this is the 21st century, but in order to have a real relationship you have to have personal interaction, not just a “good vibe” or whatever. Since you started “dating” why haven’t you started taking care of yourself. Part of the courtship phase for me is that at least when I first start dating someone I tend to eat better, dress better, cuss less, mind my manners and make myself more appealing to the person I want to impress. Everyone knows you don’t let yourself go until after you say, “I do”.

Dear Rocco,
I am getting married in three months and my fiancée wants to have us dance the first dance together at the reception, my idea of hell. I do not want 100 people watching as I dance around in a monkey suit with my new wife. She is insists that we do this and I don’t want to dance.

Dear EG,
It’s one freaking dance. Most guys can’t dance – especially white guys, but we all universally know how to slow dance, which is what the first dance is. You forget dancing was forbidden in colonial times because it represented horizontal sex. Outside of actual sex a slow dance is one of those magical things between a man and woman – or whatever these days. If your reception is worth a damn, most people will be too preoccupied with food, liquor and trying to score themselves to judge you for having two left feet.

Dear Rocco,
I have been married for the past four years without children. My husband is really loving and amazing man. However he has had bouts of extreme abuse and violence with me as the target. I had to go to the hospital once. I have recently moved to the States. He is still overseas. I have met a man and we both have feelings for each other. Now we are madly in love. We have not been physically intimate. My husband comes back next month. What do I do?

Dear TD,
What kind of stupid are you? How the hell can you describe a man as loving and amazing if he beats you? How bad was your upbringing and why are you allowing yourself to be a victim. Even before everyone was “woke” it was never cool to beat your wife. I don’t care how far back you go. I don’t care what excuse you give. You should get out of there before it’s too late. You deserve better. I don’t know anything about you personally, but even if you are stupid or do stupid things from time to time you – and no one – male or female deserves any kind of abuse, be it physical, emotional or otherwise. You actually might need some time to yourself to evaluate yourself as to why you stayed in the relationship so long and before loving or caring for someone else learn to love yourself. If you can’t love yourself and have respect for yourself no one will either.

Rocco is a common sense, tell-it-like-it-is, no-nonsense kind of guy offering real advice on any subject put before him. Why pay thousands of dollars on a high-priced therapist when he’ll straighten you out for free. If you’d like advice from Rocco e-mail him at